Toy Rant: Color Wonder Fingerpaints

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Being a parent means doing a lot of gross stuff you don’t want to do. From pretending to be a decent person, and cleaning up gummy grime off of every surface she comes in contact with, to having a personal … Continue reading

Sit The Hell Down, Yankee Candles

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There’s something about the Fall that turns me into a candle burning, wax melting, home fragrance pushing pimp. It’s a well-known fact that from September-December, my house smells like a Hallmark shop humped a Garden Ridge Pottery on a bed of potpourri … Continue reading

Post By Mad Dad: The Legend of the Janky Tooth

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The Legend of the Janky Tooth The Kid’s losing all her teeth, and the Maligned Janky Tooth found its freedom last night. It now cascades in the Dental Elysian Fields, sold out for a measly two bucks. Janky Tooth has … Continue reading

Prehistoric Sea Monster Caught in Jersey (Kill it With Fire)

AHHHHH!

New Jersey, the garden state and our nation’s go to place for overtanned gaudy baboons, has a new reason for the rest of us to avoid their beloved state. This mojo right here:   What you’re looking at is a mystery … Continue reading

Allow Me To Brag (Please Excuse the Sarcasm)

You're F*cked.

I live in a suburb of Houston, Texas. Katy, the land of Alpha Moms and A-Hole Dads. People in these parts are obsessed with suburban perfection and don’t mind going in debt up to their eyeballs just to keep up with … Continue reading

Droppin’ Bombs on Relaxation

This past week I’ve been enjoying time on the family ranch, and while the Liberty Longhorn Ranch is still my favorite place on planet Earth, I have to say: I’m thrilled to be home. Scorpions, hormonal women, MORE SCORPIONS, unsuccessful hunting, and a clumsy … Continue reading

Mad Dad Around The House: The John (A Post By Mad Dad)

Mad Dad Around The House: The John The Wife sent me to Home Depot for a toilet seat. It was tougher than it sounds. For one, it’s rather humiliating. Like buying toilet paper, condoms or tampons and other shoppers and … Continue reading

You Meet the Nicest People at Wal-Mart

Every one of you reading this need to step up your swagger. Because NONE of you sluts have the SOLID GOLD GAME of Langley South Carolina’s very own Joey William Leaphart. Maybe it’s just the 12-year-old in me, but does anyone else notice … Continue reading

Check This Shirt Out

What do you, snarky teens imprisoned in high school, frat boys, Jimmy Buffett fans, dads, and the lazy busy lady in yoga pants at Target have in common? T-Shirts. Everyone wears T-Shirts. Chances are most of you reading this right now shimmied into a 3 hole wonder … Continue reading

Another Score For Science (Goodbye Clingy Ketchup)

Since 1861, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, aka MIT,  has been a haven for some of the finest scientific minds in the world. One would imagine the hallowed laboratories of a university that gave us people like Buzz Aldrin and Kofi Annan would … Continue reading