Bolton to Love You (Alternate Title: Happy VD, Y’all!)

Happy Valentine’s Day, Lovers! Just in case Hallmark’s secretly implanted microchip hasn’t yet involuntarily propelled your body to the nearest greeting card aisle, TODAY IS EXPENSIVE CARD AND WAXY CHOCOLATE DAY!

Mostly made of sawdust and regret!

Of course, I realize that a number of you are: single, dead inside, drunk, or trapped in a loveless marriage, therefore you’d rather just sleep through the glittery clusterfudge of obligation.  Yes, this contrived and forced celebration of crowded restaurants and the red/pink color combo, is loved by many but reviled by hordes of haters. To my crusted and disgusted anti-ValDay cynics, don’t forget THE REAL HOLIDAY, which is tomorrow AKA VALENTINE’S CANDY CLEARANCE DAY!!!

Comin’ attcha!

Regardless of where your love meter lights up, EVERYONE has something to celebrate this year because Netflix has gifted humanity with the MOST PERFECT VALENTINE’S SPECIAL, Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy, Valentine’s Day Special! 

If you don’t have Netflix, simply sign up for the free trial and then cancel after you’ve watched the beauty that is Bolton. Everyone else? GET TO WATCHING!

This Lonely Island written and produced special is 50 minutes of laughs, love, AND MICHAEL BOLTON’S SWEET SWEET SOPRANO. In addition to a ton of famous guests, the special has:

A Music-off with Kenny G, followed by THE REAL KENNY G using A SWEAR WORD! 

Dueling mullets.

A star-studded telethon staff including SINBAD THE COMEDIAN, IN PEAK 90’s SINBAD ATTIRE! 

He’s Back!

An ELABORATE 50’S THEMED DANCE NUMBER SET TO BOB SEGER’S CLASSIC: “OLD TIME ROCK AND ROLL!” 

Hilarious!

 

MICHAEL ALSO RETURNS TO HIS LUSCIOUS LOCKS! COMPLETE WITH CANADIAN TUXEDO! 

The dream of the 90s is alive in Bolton.

 

AND MUCH MUCH MORE! 

So much more.

Yes, I realize that I have gone Kanye in this post, and used a whole lotta ALL CAPS, but these caps are not enraged, THEY’RE ALL CAPS OF PURE, UNBRIDLED, JOY AND HAPPINESS!

Soaring like an eagle!

Stop everything you are doing and procure a way to see this beautiful tribute to love, blue-eyed soul, and MICHAEL BOLTON! I don’t care if you have to go to Cheryl from Accounting’s Lonely Hearts Clubhouse, AKA her cat-festooned apartment/shrine to precious moments, to do so. Once Cheryl finds out Michael Bolton’s involved, she’ll be THRILLED to watch.

Cheryl’s Desk, IRL!!

Just a heads up for y’all who are unfamiliar with the Lonely Island’s work, Michael Bolton’s Big Sexy Valentine’s Day Special is BLUE. Meaning, it’s filthy and chock fulla naughty language, which spells EXTRA laughs, of course.

Here’s a trailer for the Comedic Triumph, as if you needed a Teaser to get on the Lord Boltron Train.

(Special Thanks to Kath, Mom would have been scandalized, but in Love.)