Nana News Alert: QVC Has Purchased Home Shopping Network

Coke vs Pepsi

Apple vs Android

Harriet Carter Vs. Lillian Vernon

All are examples of storied business rivals, and while the winners are clear (Coke, Android, and Harriet Carter, durrr), each has their particular camp with a clear line drawn in the sand between fans. Up until this week, Home Shopping Network and QVC were bitter rivals in the go-go world of Tele-selling. If your Nana is like mine, she chose a side in the game (FYI: She was team HSN all the way.)

As for me and my house, we’re QVC People.

Home Shopping Network debuted in 1982 and was the originator of the tele-sell. With friendly hosts who chatted up vendors while hawking worthless junk, HSN rose to lofty heights and became the go-to shopping solution for agoraphobics, late-night drunks, and the infirmed. It wasn’t until 1986-87 that QVC got started, but once they got going, they eclipsed HSN. Fun fact: QVC did 8 billion in sales last year to HSN’s measly 3 Bil.

News broke earlier this week that QVC, is buying HSN for 2.1 BILLION BUX. The deal is set to finalize over the next 6 months and will be paid for in stock. As of now, those bloodthirsty victors at QVC claim they are keeping the HSN channel intact. Yeah right.

Filled with beautiful women and non-threatening men, the HSN roster of talent is sure to get thier prices slashed, if you know what I mean. Some of the hosts will stay and transition to the new QVC-run new incarnation of HSN, but many will likely hit the clearance bin.

While I’ll leave the ladies of HSN to have overly made up aquanet-fueled fistfights to figure it out, I do have one small request on the male host side: PLEASE KEEP GUY YOVAN! HE’S SILVER-TONED PERFECTION!

Guy Yovan is a gorgeous, tower of selling success. He’s been on HSN since 2003, and is the dreamy slinger of everything from gadgets to bed linens.

Why, there’s even a creepy online devotion to Guy’s feet, as referenced in the many videos of his feet posted on youtube. Apparently, this video is a real hum-dinger because not only is guy getting in a bed (GASP!) he takes his shoes off to enter. Yeah I don’t get it either, but the view count is higher than any other HSN video, ever.

I think we have a good chance of keeping Guy simply because he’s hotter than anything QVC is currently pushing. Matter of fact, the jewel of the QVC male host tiara is the wholly platonic David Venable.

Precious!

This top-hat fancy host is the king of sales, he sold over 250,000,000 in products in the past year alone. But David is also the queen of rebuffing nana matchmaking setups. Every time he jazz-hands on camera, someone’s memaw inevitably asks him why he isn’t married before suggesting that her granddaughter Sheri is his perfect match. David is able to segue and divert each memaw’s advances with surgical precision.

His entertaining ways don’t stop there, David’s the “resident foodie,” at QVC; sadly, most of the food he sells looks completely unappetizing. Like a champ David chomps down on all of it with grace. I love watching him dance around eating the garbage he’s paid to shill just like he tapdances around his preference in bedroom co-host. Just look at this photo of him eating random Paula Deen brand trash, you can practically see his soul die a little bit!

Vomit override, engage!

I predict a full-on Kiehl’s-slathered wrestling match between Guy and David for top b*tch in the QVC dog house. While both are extremely tall, David has extra heft and the steely resolve that comes from eating hot garbage for a living whilst politely rebuffing twitter marriage proposals. Guy, you may have good looks and foot fetishists on your side, but David is ruthless in his quest for success, and will put anything in his mouth to do so.

The jokes write themselves.

In closing, I’ll bet you never expected to learn so much about the tele-selling networks and their rival male hosts, but that’s what this blog is all about: Infecting the reader with useless information while they waste perfectly good productivity. You’re welcome! 

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