Fudge You, Cancer

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Seeing as this lazy woman’s crusade to charter the seas of sheer nonsense has been around for over half of a decade, there are certain patterns that show themselves. One being that when yours truly, AKA Cribsy, is gone for an extended period of time, it’s because sh*t got real, and I’m up to my neck in real-world responsibility.

That time I survived an attempted HOME INVASION, I was gone for quite a while.

The time less than two years ago when my Mom peaced out of this mortal coil and went to that great Michael Bolton Concert in the Sky, yours truly was gone-zo for weeks.

And now, I return from weeks of exile, per the usual, there’s a reason. Cancer is a piece of sh*t disease.

Kitty is my mother in law, and my only Mom left, she’s also a dear friend, and the best Granny, ever.  Well, the old tramp scared the schist out of us last month with a Stage-2 Breast Cancer diagnosis.

WHAT A FREAKING DIVA!!!(I’m referring to her yam with the stage 2 tumor in it, not Kitty.)

To-f*cking-morrow, she’s going in for 10 hours of surgery, a double mastectomy/complete reconstruction, to be exact. At this moment, looks like the surgical shenanigans will completely eradicate her early caught scourge on humanity.

I’m taking her in at 5am and she’s up to bat at 7:30am CST, her surgery is expected to be 10 hours.

Chances are, by the time you stumble upon this, she’ll already be in (or out) of surgery. But if for some reason you dirty hookers are reading this before/ during that 10 hour frame of cancer cutlery, please send the old broad your prayers, healing vibes, and well wishes. Granted, she doesn’t want any of that “Oprah new-age tomfoolery,” so if you’re going to french kiss a crystal for her chakras, best to do so discreetly.

Me? I’d put a Hijab on and keep Kosher if I thought it would speed her healing up, so any Virgin sacrifices, contributions to televangelists, or calls to Miss Cleo in honor of my only Mom left, are greatly appreciated.

The good news is, that if all goes according to the surgeon’s plan, she’ll be cancer free by sundown tonight; if only every family could be so fortunate.

I’ll keep y’all posted. The best part about all of this? RECOVERY AT MY HOUSE! The trollup lives 5 streets over, and will be spending her post hospital days with us, which means I’ll definitely be back to blogging daily. Something tells me there’s going to be a lot of hilarious content to come forth.

Your Pal,

Nurse Cribsy

For tits and giggles.

For tits and giggles.

 

(4 Kit-E and the Boyz.)