The Shopkins Baroness Speaks: The Biggest Rip-Off In America

Have you ever heard of that tacky slut Lilly Pulitzer? If you haven’t, let me fill you in. Lilly Pulitzer (from the same family as the prize,) was a designer whose brand focuses on leisure wear in fussy floral prints with neon colors. At 400.00 bucks a pop, her designs are relatively inexpensive when you consider the set she designs for is accustomed to paying thousands for garments. Anyway, the old tramp checked into that great Ritz-Carlton in the sky back in 2013. As often happens when beloved celebrity/entrepreneur dies, her family decided to cash-in on her Name, and made a deal with Target.

Having high tea with Jesus now.

Having high tea with Jesus now.

 

Seeing as I’m more of a cheap leopard print and red lipstick kind of snob, Lilly Pulitzer does nothing for my moan zone. I’m not saying it doesn’t look adorable on children and sassy older women, it’s just not my tumbler of Dewar’s. Why am I talking about the minutiae of Suburban gothic, when my title promised a Shopkins Baroness dispatch? Allow me to explain…

 

The Biggest Rip-Off in America

Yesterday, the tacky as f*ck, Lilly Pulitzer for Target line made its debut. All over the country, wanna-be fancy ladies lined up scarf to scarf to scarf up every stupid item. The carnage made news and broke the Target website (which isn’t hard, Target.com sux.)

Apparently, some folks weren’t just buying for themselves, they were buying to re-sell online. Horror stories of women buying up entire racks of shift dresses and cart-fulls of festooned straw bags before “real buyers” had a chance, were in every comment section on the internet. These pirates for profit went on eBay and jacked the prices up 3 fold. As I read the coverage, and the hate-filled remarks about “re-sellers,” I felt a smug gratitude that I saw multiple items at my Target and swooped up zero. Little did I know, this nationwide display of gouging would ricochet into my seedy little business of selling my daughter’s shopkins dupes.

Last night, a buyer of mine who won an auction almost two months ago, decided to get around to leaving me feedback, it was rated “positive,” meaning that I did everything to meet her needs, but her comment with the feedback was pure sarcasm: “One of Americas biggest rip-offs ever..Can’t blame the seller.Its we buyers!!”

I can't with you.

I can’t with you.

I decided to feed the troll and immediately sent her a message apologizing that she was so unhappy with her purchase and reiterated that the product was as described. A few moments later, Trollio wrote me a scathing response. I’m not going to share her entire message, as it’s mostly poorly written, passive-aggressive nonsense, sprinkled with middle of nowhere Michigan outrage. As you regular readers already know, this clap-trap hobo parlor of a blog is used to posting pure crap, but even I drew the line at her dung-heap of a thought bubble.

Here are the cliffnotes:

Basically, Troll was mad that she got swooped at Target’s Lilly Pulitzer sale that morning, remembered how she WILLINGLY PURCHASED a f*ck ton of Shopkins months ago and decided to get outraged.

After she berated me for things like “taking advantage of poor parents,” and “making profit on other people’s misfortune,” she closed her letter with a hearty you should be ashamed, admonishment.

After my “b*tch please eye-roll” got unstuck, I did what I always do when trolls sneak through the fort, I had a hearty chuckle with my partner in our venture of absurdity, Lover Fo’ Life.

I then pulled up her original sale and found that it was an auction that she won an auction for a Megapack, which retails for 19.99. Lo and behold, stupid slut’s auction started at DING DING DING! 19.99, I didn’t gouge or jack-up her transaction in the least, I started the damn thing at cost.

It’s an auction whore, you didn’t have to bid it up to 38.00. Fast forward to the present and her VERY SAME pack she paid that for 2 months ago is now going at 100+ dollars per (I capped mine at 39.99, as no one should have to pay 100+ damn dollars.) SO TROLL IS COMPLAINING ABOUT GETTING A HELL OF A DEAL THAT HER STUPID SELF BID UP.

After I chugged a bottle of pink champagne (or Rose, if you’re churchin’ it up,) I decided to report her ass to the eBay police, I also felt a response was required. Seeing as I’m a professional writer who’s not going to waste her golden fingertips on such a wet-fart of humanity, I dispatched my business associate to craft a response. L4L by day is a straight-up corporate success-dragon, so he happily obliged and churned out a professional, non-emotional, rebuttal. Seeing as he was classy as f*ck in his (my) message, I will share it all with you:

I obviously disagree with your point of view. I provide a valuable service to people, many of which are overseas and cannot buy these locally. In my area these are abundant, I couldn’t possibly buy them all if I wanted to. If your area is not the same, this is a distribution issue. That’s what my service is all about. Also, many people come here to find that specific few to finish a collection, etc. I have no idea what your experience has been, but to personally disparage me really goes too far. I wish you the best of luck finding what you need, and again, I apologize if you feel like the market has set the price too high. Please do not contact me further on the matter.

BAM! Annnnnd that’s how you shutab*tch without cuttinab*tch.

The single part of her letter that annoyed me is when she branded it “other people’s misfortune.” Sorry Moron, we’re talking about TOYS ON EBAY. Nobody made anyone seek out shopkins on eBay. Like the rest of the world, I only shop eBay when I’m hard up for something and don’t want to pay exorbitant Amazon prices. THIS IS NOT MISFORTUNE, IT’S A PRIVILEGE. I’ve got a buddy whose beautiful 4-year-old is in fighting Cancer, like a ninja on steroids.  Cancer is a hardship, not overpaying for toys. Pull your head out of your lululemon-clad ass and get some f*cking perspective, troll.

giphy

 

I woke up this morning with a certain spring in my step knowing that I’m one step closer to becoming the supervillain Earth is cursed to receive. The Shopkins Baroness, in just a few months, has gone from a wide-eyed gullible parent, to a soul-sucking opportunist cashing in on the tears of parents and children alike. I’m pretty sure those slackers Stalin and Hitler took years to rise to their potential evil, I’ve fast-tracked it and managed to become the single worst thing America is doing to rip America off. I guess that extended warranties, Movie Theatre concessions, Starbucks coffee, and the Kardashians are off the hook y’all, because TSB’s got this.

 

Until next time, my lovelies!

 

-TSB

 

Snorting up the all of the shopkins before YOU!

Snorting up the all of the shopkins before YOU!