10 Valentine’s Gifts That Will Get You Laid (In a Casket.)

Ah February, the shortest month of the year that sticks around long enough to goad people into forced displays of true lurve. It’s VALENTINE’S SEASON, Y’ALL!

Be still my heart!

In these hateful, fighty, argumentative times, I think it’s important that we all embrace this year’s February 14th candy-coated heart revelry.

Most likely, there will be awkward silence when the office sleazoid bemoans the fact that he can’t give the office knockout his traditional gift basket of sexual harassment. And I’m pretty sure your Dad would rather have you on drugs than receive a hand hewn Valentine card. But you shouldn’t let those sour patches get in the way of enjoying such a sweet day!

Because I’m a giver who lives to give and I love YOU my dearest readers, I’ve taken the worry out of what to get your friends and loved ones for VD2018!

Enjoy these gift suggestions as you would Valentine’s candy, which is to say: THROW THEM IN THE GARBAGE CAN and SET THEM ON FIRE!

First up, you can’t go wrong with Booze, and this Boozy Bangle let’s your Valentine sneak-drink in style.


Just kidding, that sh*t looks like you escaped from a fancy prison in some dystopian novel, no one is fooled. That being said, the Boozy Bangle holds a buzz-worthy 4oz of the hard stuff, so who cares if everyone knows your shameful secret?

Speaking of booze, here’s a Valentine Card that is truly romantic:




How about something more traditional like jewelry? With this ring, tell the world that “I’m not having any of it.”


Perhaps you should proclaim your one true love on a tee?

I thee bread.

These Unicorn men’s underwear are definitely going to earn their cost back in tips at the gogo bar.

Laces out!

Why not give the gift that says, “I’m a snake freak and unashamed to show it.” This thick and sexy gnome is on Amazon for less than 20 bux.

Love gnomes no bounds.

Still stumped? Just order your Valentine a sweet treat that’s fun to eat! These conversation cookies speak directly to the heart of the matter:

Bite me.


Afterwards, you can wash those cookies down with a cup of coffee as black as your beloved’s soul. While on the subject…maybe an abhorrable coffee mug for your adorable!?

ATTENTION: L4L- buy me this HERE, please!

Next is a plush rat, what a precious way to tell your Valentine that you know they flipped on you and are cooperating with the authorities.

Snitches get stitches


And finally, I saved the BEST for last.  It’s a realistic baby Orangutan doll in a tuxedo holding a bouquet of flowers with a balloon that says “I love you.”

Checking a lot of boxes with this one.


For a mere $99.99 you can have this primal ball of clichés. A bargain when you consider resin and polyester art lasts forever.

So chin up my dears, take those salty ‘tudes and celebrate LOVE with your dudes! Don’t have anyone to love this year? Fear not, there’s always room for you in the FRIENDZONE!

We all float down here.