Hellf on the Shelf (Elves Gone Wild)

It’s been almost two months since I last filled you in on the rolling horror-show that has been 2014. For those of you Johnny-Come-Latelys too stoned from gas huffing, let me be clear, as far as my family is concerned, 2014 can f*ck right the Hell off.

But I’m not going into detail today. Why? Because I have bigger fish to fry this morning. Grandmother, AKA my Bubbe is having brain surgery at 7:30am CST today. Over the Thanksgiving break, she had a seizure and fell, it was later discovered that she has a big assed brain tumor causing all sorts of nonsense. (See, I told you 2014 can lick a sweaty taint.)

The ol’ gal is wonderful, she not only taught us everything we know about Tito’s Vodka (AKA the preferred drink at Casa de Cribsy,) but she’s also got a solid gold heart and incredible sense of humor. At 86 years young, obviously there are risks associated with major f*cking brain surgery, so I’m requesting prayers, warm wishes, fingers crossed and healing vibes sent her way. Whatever you’re into, send the good mojo her way, please. As I type this she’s being prepped for the big dance and while she’s at peace with whatever the outcome is, I most certainly am not.

See, Grandmother is MY DAD’s mom, and let’s face it, after discovering his wife dead merely 3 months ago, Dad could use a break, so please let this fabulous woman pull through. She’s going to be in ICU recovering for the next few days, and has requested we not visit as, “ICU sucks,” (her words) and it would just bum her out seeing as she won’t be able to talk while they have her on a ventilator.

I’ll keep you Nosy Rosies posted, but if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to have a few laughs today, in honor of the hilarious old lady, who was even able to make me laugh at my Mom’s funeral, let’s have some chuckles this morning. Oh yeah, and eat a dick, 2014.

Your pal,

Cribsy

 

As Christmas approaches, no doubt your news feeds and instagram twitters are like mine, FILLED WITH ELF ON THE SHELF SH*T.

Look, I’m super into dumb traditions, so I don’t mind if you want a creepy elf doing elaborate stuff each morning for your kids to enjoy, but I think we all can agree that Elf on the Shelf is a whole lot of work for not alot of payoff. Simply put, if you want your kid to be terrified by a voyer snitch who tells fatty McClaus every little thing you do like a gossipy assed b*tch, fines with me…but why not do something more effective and less time-consuming? Just think how easy it would be to tell them Santa can see everything through webcams and various other nefarious forms of surveillance equipment. Why does Leery Jenkins get to have all the fun? Afterall, it’s just a f*cking doll. Luckily, the internet has ways of making even the creepiest and dumbest things awesome. Once again, it is my PLEASURE to present some VERY BAD ELVES ON THE SHELVES!

Grinding it out.

Grinding it out.

Getting down with the ladies.

Getting down with the ladies.

I saw him.

I saw him.

A masterpiece.

A masterpiece.

Holding the holiday hostage.

Holding the holiday hostage.

Truth in graffiti.

Truth in graffiti.

Reindeer games!

Reindeer games!

Santa stops here.

Santa stops here.

Coked up elf.

Coked up elf.

Mmmm elf on the shelf smoothie!

Mmmm elf on the shelf smoothie!

couch

And my personal favorite (L4L’s too!)

Party time!

Party time!

via

(Thanks, MT)