OH MY GOURD: Pumpkin Fest Ends In Pummeling

Yesterday in the early hours of the morning, a small town’s treasured tradition erupted into a riot. Residents of Concord, New Hampshire and students from Keene State College were enjoying 2014  Pumpkin Fest, a yearly pumpkin carving Bacchanalia filled with pumpkiny delights, when the spit hit the fan and a bunch of douchey college-bro stereotypes took to throwing bottles at people. The riot ended in 30+ injuries and 12 arrests. The town is super bummed that their beloved Pumpkin Fest ended in a bunch of drunken college-aged hooligans wreaking havoc.

Those dix.

Those dix.

To be perfectly honest, it kinda makes sense to me.  Every Thanksgiving a massive brawl practically breaks out at our dinner table over the last slice of G$’s world-famous pumpkin roll dessert. Ok, we don’t get all the way to fisticuffs, but I HAVE been known to lick the final portion just to “lay claim.” Some things in this world are worth fighting for, and PUMPKINS are most certainly one of them.

pumpkin spice all the things

I think we all know what really started this fight , PUMPKIN SPICE BACKLASH.

For years, pumpkin spice flavor fans like yours truly, have tracked down and tried each pumpkin flavored food and beverage. The spending power of pumpkin spice devotees has thankfully been noticed, and this year more than any other, there’s a HUGE offering of pumpkin spice flavored goodies. Because the world isn’t happy unless it’s p*ssing on everyone’s glee, 2014 has also been the year of Pumpkin Spice haters. Out of nowhere, a-holes have decided to defile the good name of our beloved gourd. If I had a dime for every snarky slut that’s “so over”pumpkin spice this fall, I’d have enough scratch to fill my swimming pool with Starbucks pumpkin spice lattes. (Read: billions of dollars.)

 

Listen up all you Pumpkin Spice Haters, LEAVE PUMPKIN ALONE!

8-chris-crocker-leave-britney--large-msg-119636616487

If you want to go after a played-out flavor that’s waaaay past its prime, start b*tching about BACON. For almost 10 years now, bacon has been “a thing” and the object of culinary boners around the globe. It’s a constant stream of bacon emoting and merchandising, they even sell  BACON TOOTHPASTE.

Hey dipsh*ts, we get it, you love strips of pig crisped to perfection AKA “meat candy.” Me? I enjoy bacon big-time, but you don’t see me stroking my bacon strip to bacon accessories, I love it and MOVE THE F*CK ON.

Pumpkin Spice is just now reaching a fever-pitch hysteria of true enjoyment, why don’t you pumpkin spice haters back the Hell off and take on dumb dummys wearing bacon scented pajamas.

no-bacon-please

 

As for the Pumpkin Fest debacle up in Concord New Hampshire, all justice and decency is not lost, for Keene State College’s president is considering expelling the jerks stating that “they are not indicative of the school’s students.” I’m actually inclined to believe her because later that morning 200+ students started cleaning up all of the leftover messand had it all sparkly in no time. See, this Pumpkin nightmare ended with an ending sweeter than pie, hooray for good people!

Cleaning Champs.

Cleaning Champs.

 

via