Ranch Dressing in a Keg (Alternate Title: Hidden Valley Retch!)

With Halloween behind us, and showboating Christmas trying to horn in on Thanksgiving’s bounty, companies are already competing for your hard-earned dollars. From gift cards, to limited edition whatnot, it seems like every brand of anything is gearing up to sell you presents this Holiday season.

Earlier this year, Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing created an online shop for various HVR themed merchandise, amongst the online shop offerings is a RANCH FOUNTAIN!

Spreading creamy white lies.

I didn’t write about the Hidden Valley Ranch shop because I loathe it. Don’t get me wrong, I love Ranch dressing, just hate the toxic waste tasting sludge Hidden Valley vomits out into jars. Despite my hatred of the stuff, HVR is a titan in the condiment world.

This Holiday season, the most famous salad dressing in the world has decided to give back to the fans by offering Hidden Valley Ranch Dressing in a 5 liter mini Keg.


Yes, it’s a real thing and for 50 bux you can buy this atrocity and gift it to yourself or the Hidden Valley Ranch superfan in your life.

Presale is on now, and the kegs are set to ship December 11th, which means it’ll arrive just in time for your annual Holiday shame-spiral!

With 5 whole liters of this crap on tap, think about all of the things you’ll be able to cover in ranch dressing this season…Christmas cookies, fruitcake, obvious truths, Yule logs, fake news, and most importantly, feelings!

If you need me, I’ll be in my closet singing along to Air Supply’s “All Out of Love,” while drinking from a regular keg of beer, wishing 2017 would just GTFO already.



Ranch Dressing in a Keg (Alternate Title: Hidden Valley Retch!) — 2 Comments

  1. Can’t stand the stuff in the bottle either….but I will make my own from the packets they sell. That stuff is actually pretty good. Hate me if you must!

    • I could never hate you, Misty! YES! I LOVE the packets, I make dip every christmas and LOVE the non-shelf stabilized version!!!!

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