Halloween 2017: Trick or Tramp

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR; Cooler weather, pumpkin spice flavored everything, and HALLOWEEN! Happy fall, Y’ALL!


One of my favorite yearly traditions is to scour the interwebs for this year’s new “sexy” Halloween costumes. If there’s one thing the internet has taught me, it’s that anything can (and will) be made into a skimpy get up for classy lasses. Why, there’s even a SEXY! CANDYCORN COSTUME FOR CRISSAKES.

She so corny.

Just so you know, I found almost all of the costumes in this post for sale at Oriental Trading, no I’m not kidding. Oriental Trading AKA birthplace of the treasure chest prizes your parents threw away and every party decoration accidentally thrown up on, is now in the SEXY! costume game. Why? Because 2017.

For starters, we have the very relevant and timely costume of SEXY! Top Gun pilot. Nothing says “today” like a film from 1986 starring Tom Cruise’s original teeth.

Driveway to her “danger zone.”

Though to be honest, the hottest b*tch that ever wore the Top Gun pilot costume was Val Kilmer, why compete with perfection?

Take our breath away, KWEEN!!!!

Next up are some SEXY! Horror legend disguises:

SEXY! Chucky the murderous doll from the Child’s Play Movies.

Axe, body slay.

SEXY! Freddy Kruger star of The Nightmare on Elm Street Series.


And SEXY! Beetlejuice.

Daylight come and she wants to go ho.

As bad as those costumes are, I’m happy to tell you that they only get worse from here.

How about SEXY! Patrick from Spongebob Square Pants?


Of course, the real crime is that no one has yet made a sexy costume for the hottest slut on Spongebob, Squidward.


Speaking of uncalled for SEXY! cartoon-themed costumes, here’s Brian the dog from Family Guy. Who are these people still watching Family Guy? 


In a shocking turn of events, I don’t hate this SEXY! Cruella DeVil costume. Matter of fact, Disney needs to make this her official attire, it’s off the charts fabulous!

Bow down!

In random, “they’ll make anything sexy at Halloween,” news, it a SEXY! Ombre Costume. That’s right, even Dye patterns can be SEXY! What a world we live in, what a time to be alive. 

Bad Ombre.

Remember the board game Operation, with the goofy red-nosed dude? Get a load of SEXY! Operation Game GIRL!

Not enough buzzers for this.

Meh, I’ll holdout and get the inevitable SEXY! Monopoly Guy costume instead. Afterall, there’s already a SEXY! Monopoly Money costume.

Goldenrod Digger

I feel it bears repeating that most of these costumes are for sale at ORIENTAL F***ING TRADING. Did I mention that Oriental Trading ALSO has a Jesus-centric line of Halloween decorations they peddle? Of course they do.

Pick a side, Oriental Traitors!

Finally,  I’ve saved my best (worst) for last, say hello to SEXY! Elmo and SEXY! Big Bird…

No, you’re not hallucinating, but the people coming up with this crap are definitely tripping balls on the good sh*t. There’s no other explanation for taking two beloved preschool children’s show puppets, characters who are ages 3.5 and 6 respectively, and strumpeting them up. Hooker number one looks like she’s wearing Elmo’s pelt, and the Big Bird skank is a flapper lady dancing on Jim Henson’s grave.

In closing, Cowboy Snoop Dogg sums the costumes in this post up best.

Fo’ shizzle.






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