Last month Romphims, a Kickstarter abomination, hit the feverish internet news cycle. Mercifully, coverage of Romphims quickly peaked, and the horrible onesies for menfolk have all but evaporated from memory.
Well, in a move that essentially crowns Summer 2017 as the season of WTF menswear, LACE BERMUDA SHORTS FOR MEN are now angling for your boy’s toys.
Hologram City, a company known for mesh male dancewear, has released a line of lace collared shirts and Bermuda shorts, they also have the audacity to charge $49 per piece.
The “Lace Me” collection comes in a variety of colors, all guaranteed to itch the bejeezus out of your bulge.
In a devastating turn of events, the shorts are currently sold out. Don’t cry, they’re taking a 2nd round of pre-orders that ships on 6/16. You read that correctly, they’ve already SOLD OUT ONCE and are now on the 2nd pre-order; which means club rats, fancy lads, and J.Lo’s backup dancers are all guilty of having terrible taste.
I just want to address the obvious issues right quick…
For starters, the lace looks coarse as a cactus, I can’t begin to imagine the cheese grater-like destruction these babies will unleash upon their owner; and heaven help the swarthy men who have considerable thigh hair.
Forget the soul-crushing humiliation one will obviously experience wearing these lacy monstrosities; think about the poor peens in these that get caught in a stiff breeze, if you know what I mean. Unless you want a crotch compass to broadcast your changing positions, you’re gonna need to skip these.
Anyone else concerned that the look requires one wear tightie whities? Sure, guys could go commando and let their fruit salads jingle about; but in the event of an impromptu dance-off with Miley Cyrus’ dance crew, nobody wants their bing bongs to get “playdoh fun factoried.”
If I haven’t yet convinced you trashy divas to step away from the Lace Me line of frilly fails, consider my final point: TAN LINES.
Ever worn lace outside with no sunscreen underneath? Spoiler alert, the burn is in the daintiest of patterns. Unless you want all the other arm candy in Cabo to think you’ve got a skin condition, JUST SAY NO TO THESE SARTORIAL DISASTERS.
HEY THERE, FANCY PANTS!