Neck Breaking Regret From The 90’s is Getting a Reboot

Picture it, the 1990’s. Jewel tones, Ace of Base, and chunky platforms were KING, and the world was introduced to a sassy cobbler named Steve Madden.

The choice of felons.

With his devil-may-care approach to physics, Steve Madden (before he went to jail as chronicled in The Wolf Of Wall Street,) introduced throngs of American teens, tweens, and ladies, to the platform. Moderately priced and advertised in Seventeen Magazine, Madden was the man for groovy girlie footwear. While many of his designs are considered nineties cannon, one shoe in particular was a runaway (but don’t run in them) hit. Behold! The platform elastic slide!

Been there, worn that.

Chances are, many of you reading this owned a pair of these babies.

Black and form-fitting, Steve Madden’s elastic slide was a chunky symphony of questionable choices. For starters, the top band slowly stretched and degraded into an amorphous blob of smelly sorrow, and then there was the constant threat of busting ones buns.

See, if you’re like me and have a staggering amount of foot perspiration, you already know the struggle of trying to navigate flip-flops slick with sweat,. Add the fact that the slides teetered at least 3 inches off the ground, and it’s safe to say that Steve Madden’s classic 90’s shoe put an entire industry of orthopaedic surgeons to work.

Boom, baby!


In the latest chug on the nineties nostalgia train, Steve Madden has decided to tweak and re-release the iconic footwear. For the staggering price of 70 bux, you can soon relive those regretful days, pre-orders are up now! While the differences are many, it’s essentially the same height adding foot funk factory.

True story, I have a dear friend who still has several pairs of the original elastic slide and often wears them. I got excited to tell her Steve Madden was bringing the shoe back, but then I realized I’d first have to break it to her that they went away.

While on the subject of Steve Madden, I just want to say that I’m getting some very strong recently divorced dad vibes off of his current look.


Maybe it’s the backwards cap and the cool bro V-neck, but 2017 Steve Madden looks like a he’s either trying to score a pass to Coachella, or lure a coed into his panel van; either way, I’m super into it. Matter of fact, I went and checked out some other very nineties designs he’s currently pushing, and while I’m probably not going to follow through, I have nostalgic urges to buy one pair in particular.

All that’s missing is Freddie Prinze Jr.


In closing, if our old pairs of Steve Madden shoes could talk, they would speak of a time when Carson Daily was relevant and our toenails were covered in Hard Candy.


Of course, they’d also stink to high heaven and make that weird farting noise when you walk a certain way; so remember that before you pony up the better part of 100.00 to relive the glory days of Steve Madden’s genius designs like…tie up espadrilles?!

This is not a drille.

On second thought… Mr. Madden, maybe you should drop the vape pen, skip the rave tent, and go back to your wife and kids.



Neck Breaking Regret From The 90’s is Getting a Reboot — 1 Comment

  1. Ahhh! You always have the best 90’s posts! Now I have “I saw the sign” stuck in my head and memories of saying “that was my shoe making that noise!”

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