A Pirate Looks At 70

Jimmy Buffett, one of the world’s richest musicians and America’s original Captain Jack Sparrow, turned 70 years old this past Christmas. Less than 3 months after his birthday, the Dad-rock icon dazzled his aging original fan base with a big announcement. It appears the mogul is expanding his empire to include a Margaritaville themed retirement community.

The Son of a Sailor is partnering with assisted living titans, Minto, to create Latitude Margaritaville, a fully themed residence. The sales office is set to open later this year in, you guessed it, Florida. The first residents are expected to move into the joint in 2018.

The lush resort style living facility will cater to residents 55+ with themed restaurants ,shops, an on-premise concert stage, and a beachside club (complete with FREE shuttle) exclusively for the VIPs AKA Very Important Parrotheads. 2 and 3 Bedroom cabanas with garages are going to be priced from 200,000 to 390,000; a BARGAIN IF I’VE EVER SEEN ONE!

“Beats the drunk tank!”
-Uncle Jim

Rather than make the obvious “I hope there’s a restaurant there that serves an all-day Jimmy’s Buffet,” I’m going to take a minute to highlight some esteemed candidates for future residence. You see, as my Dad and any other Parrothead will tell you, the lifestyle of Jimmy Buffett and the Medical Coral Reefer Band is all about relaxin,’ partyin’ and bein’ on island time. Which is code for PARTY ANIMALS PARTYIN’ ALL THE DANG TIME and usually ends up with your Aunt Gladys trying to freak dance on all the cater-waiters.

As Latitude Margaritaville’s first and most important resident, I nominate this exquisite flower of feminine charms:

 

Yes, Latitude must fill their community with just the right clientelle:

Sassy Memaws

 

Nana of my dreams!

Rock-n-Roll Grannies:

RAWK!

Out of control Pepaws who will NAP ANYWHERE!

Nothing to see here.

Guns, oversized hats, and tequilla of course:

This bube has it all figured out!

 

Those who are into the latest trends:

Beer Pong bye Felicia.

People that can hold their liquor:

Kegstands and kegels!

And those simply add life to the retirement community just by being there:

Drink it in.

While I’m thrilled at the potential of spin-off franchise locations, Jimbo is creating a ticking time bomb; when you combine Margaritas, Landshark beer, a rise in STD’s among the older set (because ho-stuff is ageless,) and FLORIDA, you’re going to get a veritable VOLCANO of DRAMA! Methinks Latitudes Margaritaville is going to become a nonsense factory, and I for one, have already signed up for news alerts.

 

In closing, because I just can’t help myself, I’ve taken the liberty of adapting some of Mr. Buffett’s most famous lyrics for his many exclusive Latitudes Margaritaville concerts, ENJOY!

  • “Wasted away again because I forgot to take my (fill in the blank.)”
  • “Why don’t we get drunk and play Canasta?”
  • “Cheeseburgers in Paradise (with Jesus.)”
  • “It’s 5 Blood Clots somewhere”

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