Nowhere to Go But Up

Well, well, well, America, look what you did ya little jerk.


After years of enduring internet flame wars, a 24-hour news cycle, and the cancer that is social media, our country is now in a fight for her identity. Y’all, IDGAF about talking politics with you, but this sh*t is cray cray. It’s a digital trailer-trash bar brawl to see who can be a bigger crybaby. ENOUGH!

Look, if we were able to reunite and once again become a United States of America after THE CIVIL WAR/RECONSTRUCTION, we truly can overcome anything. 60’s Riots? We SURVIVED. Uncertain geo-political future? NAILED IT! Morally reprehensable leadership? EXPERTS! Washington meltdowns? BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.

What I’m saying is, sh*t has been way worse before and we as a nation still managed to THRIVE.

These pepperoni nipples don’t run!

No, I don’t have any answers, but I will offer this:

One of my dearest friends, Jen Jen, and I are polar opposites. Blonde and tiny, Jen’s a 20-year vegetarian who enjoys watching football. Over the past 13 years of our friendship, politically we have rolled our eyes from opposite sides of the aisle.

Jen Jen lost her mother 2.5 weeks ago. It was unexpected and instant, while her Mom felt no pain, the crater her departure left is astounding. When I unexpectedly lost my mom 2.5 years ago, Jen Jen was the first friend to get me out of the house for lunch. While at that fateful Olive Garden visit (because everyone knows nothing says soul-crushing loss like eating at an Olive Garden,) Jennifer caused me to forget about my pain (temporarily) and helped me begin the long and arduous process of finding peace after such a loss. Less than 30 months later, I’m now the one encouraging Jen Jen to find the positive in an unbearably bleak journey through the depths of grieving. I love my friend, and she loves me.

Where in that sweet story that frames me in a wonderful light, did I mention a verbal meltdown about JOBS! MUSLIMS! GAYS! THE BABIES!? Nowhere, that’s because when the spit hits the fan, all we are left with is our love for one another.

Our country is like the jackass uncle who boycotted your interpretive dance recital because the purple unitard you chose to wear made you look like a “sissy grape.” Sure, he’s a buffoon who leers at the TV Weatherlady like she’s a steak dinner, but he’s family and he loves you; all the other crap just distracts from that.

Don’t blame me, I voted for Gandalf.

America, we are better than spin and internet comment-a-thons, we really are. Get out there and LOVE IRL! No, not in a sexy hippy way, in a BE KIND TO EVERYONE, EVEN THE HUGE JERKS, kind of charge.

Dump the negativity!

Let’s be real, the problems we face as a country pale in comparison to those of many developing countries. Yes, we’re going to have to roll up our sleeves and get to working together, which seems impossible today. However, as I said before, if the post-Civil War Scallywagging Carpetbaggers of America’s past were able to become a whole nation once again, 2017 is mere tiddlywinks.

Love always wins.

We are America, damn it, WE GOT THIS.

Finally, this one goes out to all the “Christian” internet trolls:

I believe Christians who beat people over the head with their righteousness while totally missing the point of the Good Book they insist on cherry picking for their own hypocritical causes, are as terrible as CROCS.


You’ve gone too far, Cribsy!

Jesus is King, not president. He is too dang busy being your Lord and Savior to give two banana splits about politics, let alone slap-fights between the two sides. ENOUGH! Stop fixating on the ONE ISSUE and start loving your fellow-man, even the weird ones.

Pharisee you later, Felicia!

In Closing, I leave EVERY READER with the ONE QUESTION that is bound to infuriate EVERY AMERICAN, thus reuniting us instantly:

“Is pepsi okay?”




Nowhere to Go But Up — No Comments

  1. I voted for AB Soto and petitioned to have the national anthem changed to “Cha Cha B*tch”. The USA needs a little more glitter in its life!!

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