Limited-less

Oh the places we will go this year, America! While the world waits to see what drama springs forth from our newly formed Banana Republic, 2017 is off to a dubious start.

Irony is dead.

11 days into the new year, and our beloved country has already endured an airport mass shooting, a celebrity awards show, and a major death in the fabric of suburban retail.

Light a candle, saddle into some stirrup pants, and brace yourselves friends, The Limited is no more.

Yes, the first significant passing in 2017 was not of a famous person, but a store. THE LIMITED, until last weekend, was a chain of moderately priced women’s apparel stores placed in shopping malls around America; at her pinnacle, there were 750 LIMITED locations in our great nation. Now, there are zero places where a well-heeled teenager of the 80’s and 90’s could show their fellow mall-rat friends that they were too classy for stores like Express and Contempo Casuals.

Olden Days.

For me, The Limited dressed a majority of my childhood babysitters, and sassy divorcee moms who would let us sneak a wine cooler at sleepovers. I can fondly recall choir concert outfits procured at The Limited while my Dad embarrassingly screamed out at me to buy the tackiest things he could hold up. For the most part however, my access to the Limited was limited to waiving at friends working there dead on their feet folding tops. Express was more my speed (read slutty) and the Limited’s tasteful mall-ready refinement was a little too serious for my continued patronage.

Actual pair of Express Jeans.

Regardless, I mourn the loss of this pantheon of tasteful separates. You see, the Limited’s late-80’s early 90’s devotion to the chunky sweater, is something historians will study for centuries. Let us take a moment to honor yet another Mall-brand gone kaput. The following are REAL articles of clothing offered in the ivoried hallows of fashion, The Limited.

Chances are, if you were ever gifted a patterned store-bought sweater from your cool Nana, it came from the Limited.

Thanks Bubbe.

You really shouldn’t have.

 

The Forenza Brand was The Limited’s most recognizable label. The 80’s would be a cold and drab place without the multi-colored rainbow of solid Forenza sweaters, these babies were the bread and butter of winter wear 20+ years ago.

We all had one.

Look at this 90’s wall of double knit wonder!

 

Jackpot!

 

Former advertisements confirm The Limited was both…

A place for edgy, classy, business ladies who love leather and have the looks of a young Famke Jansen:

While also a place where a huffy genie could sport a jumpsuit while hatefully eye-fudging you:

 

Perhaps most telling, this lovely vision has the pink power of a Joan Collins knockoff, and100% vintage Limited:

Speaking of Joan Collins, consider the lifetime of inspiration “Mama Joan” has given the planet. Suck it 2016, she’s flawlessly ALIVE!

We’re not worthy!

In closing, Jesus take the wheel and please take Spencer’s instead! Seriously, Spencer’s stores are super-gross and filled with: shoplifters, teens making out in the black lights, and a gaggle of bachelorette partygoers tee-heeing in the marital aid aisle.

Other than pot heads and inflatable furniture enthusiasts, who actually spends money at Spencer’s anyway?

BE GONE!

RIP The Limited, in your honor I’ll be pouring out some of my Bartles and Jaymes Fuzzy Navel wine cooler this afternoon (read 12:01pm.)

Shhhh they’re all daydrunk!


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