Exactly 3 Days from today, Lover Fo’ Life, our nutty 5.5 year old, and my Dad, the ultimate Disney Planning Admiral, are leaving on a jet plane for Walt Disney World. WDW is an entire “world” built on a Florida swamp that rakes in billions of cheddar, thus making it the World’s Ultimate example of “from trash to treasure!”
Yes, we’re off for an extended tour of well-managed lines while witnessing epic meltdowns, and thanks to my Dad, with his sterling attention to detail (and his daily Disney texts since October ’15) it’s perfectly planned. Yes, because of Pops, I’ve gotten my Disney sh*t together enough to:
1. Get each and every “Fastpass+”that my shriveled black heart desired.
In the few years since I’ve last been, WDW has gone FULL big brother and you now wear these tracking bracelets that also serve as your ticket, currency, and Fastpass. Yeah, it’s weird as sh*t, I know, but I figure if we’re going to Jonestown, best take a big ol swig of the Kool-Aid. Besides, it promises to be SUPER EASY(!) So far it’s been a real pain in the a** that I’ve spent no less than 2 hours with tech support assuring me they’ve “fixed it.”
Anyspywear, one of the biggest WTFs of my entire Disney prep phase is the fact that you are encouraged to schedule your rides and parks via a reservation system titled Fastpass+, you can and should book your rides up to 60 days prior to arriving. That’s right, I’m supposed to tell you what a FIVE YEAR OLD wants to do weeks in advance!?!?!?!? Why don’t you just ask me to control the weather, and find the Holy Grail while you’re at it. BESIDES, the only experience I need a Fastpass+ to plan 60 days in advance is “GETTING MY FILTHY MITS ON A FREAKING CHURRO ASAP!”
2. Firsties to Fantasy Land (AKA where the stupid worst lines since the DMV, occur.)
Dad booked us for personal VIP early access to Fantasyland, thus getting to ride all that ponderously lined sh*t multiple times BEFORE the park opens 1.5 hours later. By the time 99.99% of the rest of the tramps are fist-fighting to high-five Elsa, we will be sipping on a cool drink, deciding what to conquer next.
Speaking of Fantasy Land…
3. Booked lunch with those trite tramps, the Disney Princesses, at Cinderella’s fly crib for the low,low price of a kidney.
You’d think at $65.00 a head (for LUNCH,) we’d be served caviar and cavort in vats of unlimited lobster. At the very least, I’d expect a classy table dance or lots of top shelf shots, but no. This “HONOR” which I had to book and pay for exactly six months to the day we planned on dining there, is essentially, a bunch of sluts in princess costumes who not only keep their clothes on, THEY RUN A DRY CASTLE(AKA NO BOOZE!)
I’m sorry, but when I’m being “ducked up the Donald,” let me get stinking drunk while I question my priorities in life. Besides, the drunker I am, the more likely will be to buy your stupid ADD-ONS that I know you hoes are going to try to up sell me while my child watches and begs for whatever hunk of garbage you’ll be additionally charging me for.
Thanks to Dad, it’s all been planned, and much, much, more is in store! If you haven’t read my old as the hills post, Vacation Dad, please take some time while you’re pinching your next loaf, and read it as a primer for the shenanigans that are sure to ensue.
How do I know this trip is going to be a hilarious (Florida style!) hot-mess-express? Here’s a little SNEAK PEAK at the BEHIND THE SCENES of this impending joyous vacation:
In addition to thinking the “nice ponchos” were a waste of money, and insisting on the plastic throwaway ones for himself (AND the scooter he’s renting.) Dad is hauling 2 cases of H.E.B. bottled water in a suitcase because he doesn’t trust the water in Florida.
Vacation Dad is still full-on crazy, and hasn’t missed an insane Vacation-slaving step. Why, with his new ride, Dad found a way to LEVEL up in the Dad-Wear department. Yes, in addition to his always short shorts (with knee socks,) the old man has stepped up to the big leagues with his temporary motorized chariot that will no doubt run over many a lollygagger and slo-poke. Did I mention it’s just in time for his new Bride-to be to get an eye-full of the fashion stallion she will soon say, “I Do,” to?
As previously announced, Dad is GETTING MARRIED, and his lovely lady will be joining us for the 2nd half of our WDW trip! While we won’t be gaining a “wicked stepmother” when Dad ties the knot, I’m super jazzed, and figure this family has enough Villains anyway!
Bravely, the young lovers have offered to watch Valor while we party it up at Club Villain our last night in WDW. What’s Club Villain, you ask? Psh! I don’t have time to fill you in on all of the coolest things in the world, you’ll just have to wait and read. I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting, but I will schedule a coupla gems to help you avoid productivity next week. Don’t worry, once things shake out, you’ll get the entire blow-by-blow, crappy ponchos, texas water, and knee socks included.