2016 Needs To Calm The F*ck Down

First it was Bowie, then Glen Frey, and Merle Haggard joined him, and now, comes the cruelest of cuts that is just now sinking into hearts all over the world. Prince, has flown to Heaven on his purple Chariot of righteous guitar licks.

Forever beautiful.

Forever beautiful.

Prince Rogers Nelson, was found dead yesterday at his famous estate Paisley Park. The purple-clad musical genius seduced everyone with his magical rainbow of rock/funk/soul/R&B genre-shattering music. Just for grins, his Majesty even did a classic score to THE only Batman movie that truly matters (sorry, 1963 version starring Adam West!) Yes, everything Prince touched turned to gold, or at the very least Paisley.

Rather than write a re-hash of a bunch of much better written sh*t, I’ve decided to share my favorite Prince moments, but before I do that…I need to do a quick public shaming. L4L, the man who sired my precious future supervillain who one day will ride her Megalodon off into the sunset of world domination, when I mentioned to him that I was super bummed about Prince’s UNTIMELY passing, he scoffed. “So what? He’s been irrelevant for 15 years.”

Forgive him, he's in IT.

Forgive him, he’s in IT.

Now, I know some of you sluts are (rightfully) screaming: “WTF, Cribsy! Clearly this man is a mere stranger to you and y’all need to get into an intensive couples seminar that involves a lot of pop cultural reprogramming! SAVE HIM AND YOUR MARRIAGE!” Calm down tramps, he’s usually perfection, so, I’ll just chalk it up to him being “uninformed.” Thankfully, I spent the majority of yesterday evening schooling him on the precious unicorn of brilliance that was Prince. Several of the VERY SAME vids I’m about to show YOU.

In honor of the Purple one’s transformation from his human form, and transition back to that great gig in the sky, here are some of my favorite Prince clips:

First up, his Highness was the KING of the slow turn and burn. Watch this gif, and take notes on how to be deliciously FIERCE!

Even Joan Collins is jealous of this vamping!

Even Joan Collins is jealous of this vamping!

This clip from George Harrison’s 2004 Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Induction celebration. Prince comes in at the end for a surprise SHREDDING and ABSOLUTE KILLING IT Cover of the Beatles, “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.” If any of you whores out there want to argue that he wasn’t ONE OF THE GREATEST GUITARISTS OF ALL TIME, watch the whole damn thing and SHUT UP FOREVER. I Particularly love the sweet exchange he and George’s son (and twin) Dhani, had towards the end when Prince turns his back to the audience, and (with the help of a staff member) he does a deep rock bow to Dhani, the smile on Prince’s face made one thing clear: HE was the one who was honored to be there.

This song played everyday when Valor was a screaming tiny meatball of rage, while it didn’t soothe her, I found the message fitting, and her wailing paired quite nicely with his falsetto.

Many people who experience life-altering smashing success, cloister themselves away from the “little people,” and often renounce the very musical talent that got them into their opulent castles. Prince was the opposite, in addition to putting out an album every single year since 1978, he was known to pop up and join musicians onstage at various clubs. You didn’t have to be famous for him to crash your set, you just had to be good. Here’s a jaw-dropping surprise jam during a cover of “With a Little Help From My Friends.” Watch the whole thing, the band on stage is shocked, as is the audience. When it’s over, he calmly walks off the stage of the relatively small venue directly into the crowd, and disappears.

Wanna see a magic trick? 5’2 95lb Prince, makes all of beefcake retro-rocker Lenny Kravitz’s sex appeal disappear! By simply sharing the stage with a shiny blue catsuit-clad tiny wisp of an iconoclast, Lenny’s juice momentarilly was diminished to amateur levels. It must also be noted that Prince steals the talent AND sexy all while rocking an Oprah Winfrey blowout, that’s other-level c*cksmanship, people.

Now, I know some of you hot-mess-expresses out there are asking: “CRIBSY, WHAT ABOUT P*SSY CONTROL!?!?!” Well, fellow skanks, I couldn’t not include this. Fun Fact: We blasted this sh*t at full-blast on our entire Dorm floor when we would get ready to go out, which is funny because many of the whores at my college did not practice “P-Control.”  Obviously, this sh*t is NSFW, play it after your boss knocks off for the weekend. 

Finally, here’s my absolute favorite, his Superbowl performance of “Purple Rain.” This is not only my favorite version of Purple Rain (sorry Oscar-Winning Original!) it’s my favorite Prince performance EVER, and YES, I am including the entire classic film Under the Cherry Moon. He showed up after decades of worship only to prove to every single American watching the Superbowl that even venerated Icons can still get dirty, work the crowd and rock the world’s face off.

Goodnight sweet Prince, by all accounts you were a very spiritual and kind man, and you truly were a legend in the carpet laying game. Your music transcended, race, language, culture and genre, the world already feels bleaker without you.

The internet is flooded with a Purple Rain of tributes, and I figured I’d share the first Prince tribute I received in my inbox. It’s from my little Sis, and she was inspired by last week’s post that featured a Photoshop re-titled paperback cover: “Rescue Us From Coachella, Gay Angel.”

I can't stop laughing.

Lil’ Sister decided to Photoshop her own tribute to Prince, one worthy for Grouchy Muffin, I hope you enjoy!

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