More Plot Twists Than Dynasty

Shimmy into your finest evening gown, or put on a Botany 500 Suit and meet me on the terrace for elaborately choreographed cat brawls and classy slapfights. I’m back with some juicy new developments that are sure to spawn hours of content and possible laughter at my expense!

DYNASTY - "The Aftermath" - Airdate October 7, 1987. (Photo by ABC Photo Archives/ABC via Getty Images) JOAN COLLINS

Hotline to perfection!

Here’s the upshot of yours truly being a ne’er-do-well, dead-beat blogger: when I finally crawl home from the docks and sit down to document my good-time tour of insanity, there’s a vast catalogue to thumb through. Thankfully, you sluts are just as lazy as I am, and will read a phone book rather than get back to Sharon’s email about that thing you’re never going to follow through on. Yes, there are some of you a-holes who are over-achieving rocking what they call a “good work ethic,” but even y’all superstars have to take a dump sometime, and we all know you’re not above the squat and scroll.

Yes, it’s heady times for this hooker with a heart of stone, rather than discuss in length the razzamatazz that’s doing around here lately, I figured I would just roll through some quick bullet points. All of the following topics and developments will be getting their own in-depth coverage on this clap-trap hobo parlor of blog. First up, growing up.

  • Angry Babies Grow Up, AKA DURRRRR
Insanity pickles.

Insanity pickles.

I’ve got an adorable nephew now, y’all! Thane-O and his better half have had a precious baby, and the scowl is strong in this one! At 3 months old, his parents are still navigating his “social media presence,”and other stuff that new parents do in 2016, so I haven’t cleared a photo with them yet, you’re just going to have to wait until he gets his own post. HAY! It’s only fair, I mean, after the kid is shown on this sh*t-show of a crazy cabaret, there’s a great chance his future political prospects will be dashed…actually, the way things are shaping up this election cycle, being associated with a foul-mouthed tour of fart-jokes, might do him a future solid. Stay Tuned.

As for the original Angry Baby, homegirl turns 5.5 in 12 days, and yes, we celebrate half birthdays, because cake. 

We’re getting ready for Kindergarten, she’s a solid-gold smarty pants and pretty much the biggest weirdo in the world,  I mean that in the greatest and best way. Yesterday I did her pre-registration, and next week she will be a legit enrolled Kindergartener in Katy ISD, the land of way too many f*cking pinterest one-upping helicopter parents who ride the teachers like they are mules. L4L and I pride ourselves on raising Val relatively “old school,” so I look forward to forgoing all of that nonsense.

Valor graduates Pre-K in late May, why her school feels the need to dust off “Pomp and Circumstance” for a bunch of 4.5 and 5 year olds is beyond me. It’s impossible to graduate school before school, and yet, here we are. Make no mistake, I will cry like an abuelita in a Telenovela, but I resent the needless tear grab. Long before my Thursday evening in late May is robbed by a bunch of ill-behaved little ones and sobs at manufactured milestones, we will be engaging in a little last chance before real school family vacation.

Yes, like salmon, we’re returning to the obligatory hallowed grounds that millions have descended upon before us…Walt Disney World.

  • We’re going to Mickey’s Floridian Swamp of Retail traps in 27 Days!!!!!! 
Right in the cheeseballs.

Right in the cheeseballs.

Ah Disney World, a magical place in God’s trailer park (AKA Florida,) that costs more than a European vacation!

The T3 + my Dad, AKA VACATION DAD, are hitting the friendly skies and will be arriving at WDW’s Contemporary Resort in early May. We’ll be there a week, but don’t fret, you’ll be getting daily updates written from my very own private balcony overlooking Cinderella’s castle. Look, just because we’re hemorrhaging money for crappy Aramark food, PRECIOUS memories, and sweaty masses of swarthy tour groups, it doesn’t mean that we can’t do it in “style.”

In the past, I have been a real ballwasher of Walt Disney World, I’ve been more times than you can count, and even devoted my entire dining room decor to Haunted Mansion memorabilia (DORK ALERT!) While we’re ABSOLUTELY looking forward to the trip, I have no illusions. The kid is a real Brainy Smurf and has already informed me that “none of the characters are real.”

Soooooo, I’m guessing it’s going to take a sh*t-ton of candy and roller-coasters to keep her from going full-buzzkiller. But it makes me no nevermind, I’m sure we’ll have a blast. Besides, most of the parks serve alcohol now (sorry Dad, you’ve got a HONKER for a daughter.) Speaking of my Dad, I hope you kids are sitting down, because this next plot twist is going to be a doozy. 

  • My Dad, AKA Nicolas Cage’s #1 fan and the King of Naysaying, is engaged, y’all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry ladies, he's taken!

Sorry ladies, he’s taken!

Dad went out and seized a second chance at romance. That’s not to say our Mom is forgotten, but we’re so happy pops has decided to flourish in this new act of life. The best part? His B2B is awesome, and she’s FROM NEW JERSEY! All of my life, I have felt a kinship with the Northeast, while saddled in the sprawling south (and loving every minute of it!) I’ve had an affinity for Jersey since I pretended to be Bruce Springsteen in a 1st grade imaginary playground band. Dad is marrying a Jersey Girl, which means I will be Jersey by marriage, and insanely closer to NYC on a semi-regular basis!

I’m proud of Dad and I’ve made a real effort to communicate that, his response was: “Thanks.” 

I tells ya, Dad’s got the gift of no gab. 

As my late Mom’s favorite musical artist, Michael Bolton, so famously sang in his classic 1991 song, “Time Love and Tenderness:”

When love puts you through the fire
When love puts you through the test
Nothing cures a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
When you think your world is over
Baby just remember this
Nothing heals a broken heart
Like time, love and tenderness
Time, love and tenderness

Just for your viewing enjoyment I’ve included the video for the blockbuster hit, make a note of the flagrant mullet privilege showcased throughout.

Finally, I’ve saved the most shocking(?) PLOT TWIST for last:

  • L4L and I are going to Kenya in the late Summer on a Humanitarian trip with a few dear friends. 

 

SallyStruthers

We’re going to take supplies and volunteer at Haven on the Hill Orphanage and School, just 3 hours outside of Nairobi. Yes, I know the Crib Keeper is supposed to be the living incarnation of excess, b*tchiness, and ho-stuff, and don’t worry, I still am, just want to go on an adventure with the Love of my life where we get to make a tiny difference in the world.

All that Pollyanna crap aside, I’m still the same awful person on the inside. I figure I’ll be able to get a lot of do-gooder mileage out of this one. “That time we went and helped the orphans in Kenya…” Once we’re safely back on Texas soil, I can’t wait to trot it out with strangers in small talk. Even Nail File Jesus is going to be sick of hearing about my selfless sainthood by the time I complete my world-wide tour of humblebragging.

Dad, can we just feed her to Sally Struthers!?

Can we just feed her to Sally Struthers? PUH-LEEZE!

 

That’s enough revelations for this fine TUES-THE-EXTREME day. I’ll be back tomorrow with a LOLtastic look at poorly thought out photos. Don’t worry slackers, I’ve got plenty of future nonsense planned to help you stick it to productivity.

Oh, and for all of y’all who GRIND AND KILL IT NONSTOP LIKE HOSSES (yet aren’t above the sh*t and scroll), GET BACK TO WORK!

 

2016-03-08 03.41.39


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