What if I told you that you could lose TEN POUNDS in just THREE DAYS? This Easter your hamhocks won’t have to shimmy into that ill-fitting pastel number, because come Sunday, you’ll be down 10 whole pounds!!!! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS FOLLOW MY GUARANTEED TO WORK, Typhoid Toddler 3 Day Diet Plan™ With these simple steps you’ll be down a size in NO TIME!!!!!
Phase One: PREP WORK
Before you start this AMAZING DIET PLAN, Have your BFF talk you into taking your kids to an indoor playground, during Spring Break. Make sure the indoor playground is chock full of filthy little mongrels who scream, snot, and contaminate all that they touch, (bonus if the staff is apathetic and scarce.) Simply set the children free to frolic in what is essentially a giant petri dish.
We chose Wonderwild in the Houston Heights area. As the screams of 300 children echoed through the large warehouse, it became clear to me that we had arrived in Hell. The air conditioning was whiz-warm, and the trashy nannies shot daggers at us, but…HAY! No one ever said losing weight didn’t have its challenges!
Once you and your child (or niece/nephew/friend’s kid) have sufficiently soaked in the bacteria laden pond of sorrow, AKA an Indoor Playground, wait 24 hours, and then you are READY TO BEGIN YOUR AMAZING THREE DAY JOURNEY!!!!!!!!!
Phase 2: EFFORTLESS WEIGHT LOSS*
*Results may vary, the following is merely a suggested eating plan and an account of my personal success with the Typhoid Toddler 3 Day Diet Plan™!
Begin with Lover fo’Life yelling for help at 1am, he’s been the victim of a cry-by puking. Campbell’s thick and chunky vomit covers L4L’s neck, head, and back. Without hesitating, throw him in the shower and strip the sheets. You’ll be sleeping with a bucket tonight. Take sick kid to another room, so L4L can sleep off the psychological trauma he just endured (don’t forget the bucket!) Over the course of the night, clean out the”buddy bucket,” 3 times. Morning light finds you cleaning fresh puke off the hardwoods and sadly, your very own personal pillow. Make yourself a coffee for breakfast, because after all the barf you’ve slung, you’re not hungry thankyouverymuch.
Next up, cancel on that awesome wine dinner party you were looking forward to for weeks. You can’t be enjoying life outside while you have the plague ripping through your daughter’s digestive tract, silly! Besides, with your child holding down ginger ale and crackers, it appears the cookie tossing portion of the horror show has ended. But don’t get your hopes up, because now it’s time for the other end to explode, HOORAY!
Spend the rest of the afternoon wiping awful smelling smears from tiny chapped buns. Look up at 7pm and realize that all you’ve had for the day is a cup of coffee with 3 giant glasses of lemon water. Attribute your lack of hunger to the success of your intermittent fasting plan you’ve been easing into, or the fact that you’ve been on poop patrol all afternoon. Watch the first House of Cards episode with L4L which quickly turns into 4 more. Stagger off to bed and pray to Nail File Jesus that you don’t have the horrible sh*t-show of a virus the kid had/has.
Wake up the next morning refreshed. Your messy-haired muppet is almost back to normal and ready to get out of the house, have L4L take her for donuts while you enjoy a cup of coffee on the back porch in lieu of breakfast. Strangely, you’re still not hungry. Never to look a gift horse in the mouth, you go about your morning, and then enjoy a delicious lunch of antipasto and overpriced pizza. It appears you’ve avoided the pestilence that your child brought home. All is Well and the sun is shining.
Several hours later, meet a dear colleague of L4L’s for dinner, said colleague’s sweet wife and super-friendly boss should be in tow for maximum humiliation calorie burns. Arrive at an upscale chain-restaurant and foolishly order a seared tuna salad. After 30 minutes of good conversation, realize you aren’t feeling so great. Sip on an artisanal black cherry soda because WTFLOL @ artisanal black cherry sodas, and sugary fizzy beverages can often cure a sour stomach. When the food arrives, slowly start to crumble inside because just being at the same table with your (previously wanted) salad is making your stomach turn. As the weeping tuna and massive pile of greens turns you a matching shade, discreetly excuse yourself to the ladies room. With a quickness, make your way to the last stall, barely have time to lock the door, and go full Mt. Vesuvius all over the place, violently regurgitate everything you’ve ingested in the last 40 hours, which basically amounts to a handful of olives, a slice of overpriced pizza and LOL artisanal black cherry soda. Fun fact: the REAL black cherry juice in the artisanal black cherry soda gives your puke a festive brick-red coloring! After you’ve thrown up an old boot and fish bone, wash the mascara smears and pink snot from your face. Be sure to alert the restaurant staff that the last stall in the ladies’ room looks and smells like a Brett Michaels Tour Bus. Float back to your table high on post-hurl endorphins, you can power through this! As you say your goodbyes for the evening, take special care not to touch any of your departing dinner guests, REMEMBER: YOU’RE LOUSY WITH VIRUS NOW!
Get in the car and explain to L4L that you practically tossed your lungs back there in the ladies room. Enjoy some well-deserved sympathy, lean back in the front seat and relax, all you have to do is rest during the 30 minute car ride home. 10 minutes into your trip home, have L4L suddenly pull over on a crowded toll road at 75 miles an hour, roll down your window and violently begin upchucking. Make sure you don’t clear the window in time, that way, when the first few rounds of hot puke hit the 70+ mile an hour wind, they are shot right back into the car! Bonus calories burned if your child and L4L are also covered in the barrage of your barf. After the screaming, crying, and dry heaving have subsided, get back on the road only to find yourself twenty minutes later, yorking into a toys r us bag. After Three rounds, it seems that your stomach is fresh out of f*cks to give, and lookie there, you guys are finally home! Good thing, because it’s now time for your backfield to get into motion, if you catch my drift.
With both ends of you emptied like a piggy bank at a candy shop, begin to wonder if you’ll ever smile again. Drag your limp dishrag of a body to your bed where you pass out for the night in a fevered mix of sweat, regret, and misery.
Wake up and greet the day, you survived!! Yes, you’ll spend the day rafting the chocolate rapids, but at least the rib cracking, rapid-fire vomiting has subsided. Sustain yourself for the entire day on sparkling lemon water, blue Powerade, and half a sleeve of saltines, your appetite is still MIA. You wonder if you’ve lost any weight? Weak from your body’s violent mutiny at both ends, it will have to be morning before you answer that question.
Rise the next day, and step on your scale: YOU’RE TEN POUNDS LIGHTER THAN YOU WERE JUST 3 DAYS AGO!!!!!!!!
NOW, WASN’T THAT EASY!?!?!?!?!?!?!
The 10 pounds you’ll lose with my patented Typhoid Toddler 3 Day Diet Plan™ will stay gone forever, at least I’m pretty sure they will. Now, get out there and BLAST away the pounds away!!!
Be sure to remember: if you’re looking for an easy way to infect your family with pounds-shedding violent vomiting and a diarrhea train of terror, simply head over to your nearest indoor playground you’ll be sure to have your family crawling with illness in NO TIME!!!
This song dedication goes out to my L4L, Mace T. the man who got puked on TWICE, and took off his dress shirt to fashion a makeshift puke towel for his gals. MT, sorry I threw up all over you and your car, totes my bad!! Look on the BRIGHT SIDE, I could have sharted! LOVE YOU!!!