Post On Request: Nail File Jesus

I have really great people in my life that I’m lucky enough to call, “friend.” Where I am quite the gin-soaked scumbag, I have stellar friends.
One of my dearest gal pals, is an overachieving badass who left her storied fashion career to spend more time giving back to the community. She and her husband created a charity that was sparked by their multiple trips to Africa and the orphanage/ school that they helped build and continue to support each and every month. To say that this tramp is a saint, is letting various saints get off easy, homegirl runs several miles a day in bright red lipstick and waterproof mascara, Babs is a solid-gold icon of killin’ it.

Sadly, as I type this, Babs is stuck at home with her twin 6-year-old girls who are both on day SIX of the flu. Yes, this SPRANG BRAAAAKE, Babs is nursing a sick kiddo x 2 while trying to avoid their pestilence, BOO HISS!

Babsie hit me up with one simple request to help her through this dreadful week…

“I’m dying for a Nail File Jesus blog.”

SO without further adieu, for the first time in a very long time, I give you a POST ON REQUEST!

Oh, and if you’re a pearl-clutching fun-zapper who gets offended easily…1. What are you doing at this terrible website!? & 2. Why don’t you take a break from the internets and hop along? Seriously, people…I’ve got all my spam filters set for your firey hate mail, I don’t want to f*cking hear it.

-Cribsy

 

Post on Request: Nail File Jesus

As one could guess, my “real life,”involves a menagerie of bizzare fictional characters cobbled from years of inside jokes, and wickedly hilarious situations I’ve found myself in. Once I come up with a character, I go all in: unique voices, gestures, and elaborate back stories, are key portions of the recipe. From our dog El Rey, with his Eastern European accent and various fictitious gogo boy dancing gigs, to “Ol’ Shrivelee,” a jaded Lucky Charms Marshmallow who insists on giving bright-eyed young fluffy marshmallows a bunch of cigarette plumed lectures about how the world really works, to my favorite and most controversial, “Nail File Jesus.”

Nail File Jesus is Thousands of years old, sassy, and 1000% over it. Oh sure, he still loves your ungrateful ass, but he really just can’t with all of our nonsense. Rather than go full Real Housewives of Jerusalem and flip more Temple tables, he’s channeling his inner Prince of Peace and simply files his nails with eye rolling boredom towards everyone’s first world problems instead.

FDx4HTA

Nail File Jesus loves to remind you just how little your non-issues mean in the scheme of things. His tough love is pithy, snarky, and straight up truth.

NFJ was born one Easter Sunrise celebration, where at 7:05 am, Lover Fo’ Life and I found ourselves being serenaded by a tone-deaf teenager with a talent for being completely untalented. Yes, I know, the teen was trying to sing like Christina Aguillera for the glorification of God and all that jazz, but that didn’t make our ears bleed any less. Fighting back the uncontrollable giggles, L4L and I dug into each other’s legs, pinching the other until our desire to guffaw subsided. I thought to myself, “what would Jesus do in this particular situation?”

As all great moments of inspiration, I had my answer almost immediately, I looked up at the massive cross hung 30 feet in the air, and imagined the main man, our #1 big brother and Savior, JC, looking down. He was sighing very loudly, smacked his gum and quipped, “Knock that racket off, I mean…haven’t I suffered enough!?” The idea of a world-weary, unfiltered, King of Kings tickled me so much that I haven’t stopped interjecting him into a multitude of life’s little misadventures.

Oh My Dad.

Did I rise from the Dead for THIS!?

Anytime Babs or my other dear (and over-achieving) friend Jojo try to complain about something in their type-A lives going the least bit awry, Nail File Jesus shows up to put it all in perspective.

Pinterest Easter Craft Explode all over your front door? 

“Try being nailed to a rugged up-cycle project with a crappy organic crown and nothing to drink but stale wine. Only then can you complain about your hideous Easter wreath. Side note, I did not save humanity so this crap could be made in my honor, CHECK PLEASE!” 

Heartache over losing a beloved earring?

“Oh you’re missing a little bauble? I was missing my clothes, dignity and SKIN when I died on the cross for you, but do go on about that cubic zirconia crusted nightmare that did everyone a favor by throwing itself into the garbage can.”

Got stress over finding the perfect gift for a loved one? Nail File Jesus has you covered!

“Know what little missy? You can shop and shop, but nothing is going to beat the gift of ETERNAL life that I gave all of y’all!” 

Perhaps the caveman from sales that you made out with at the company picnic, told everyone in Accounting you’re easy…

“I’ll tell you what I told Mary Magdaline, she was a hussy always in a huffy over the shade folks threw her for being on the ho-stroll: BUILD A BRIDGE AND GET OVER IT, JEZEBEL!” 

Passover aggressive? You bet he is! Nail File Jesus has been listening to our minutiae for millenia, all while living with his Bio-Dad for an actual eternity. Did I mention Bio-Dad, the all-powerful creator himself,  sent NFJ to live with his mom for the first 33 years of his life. Good Lord him! Nail File Jesus earned his stripes sacrificing himself for all of us, therefore, we have no real recourse but to take his glib retorts for the spot-on advice that they are.

All I've done for you ingrates, and you slap me on velvet!?

All I’ve done for you ingrates, and you slap me on velvet and hang me in a bathroom!?

 

Come prayer time, Nail File Jesus is on his reclining cloud filing those nails, because for every sincere and pure communication with him and his pops, there’s at least 10,000 worthless requests. And don’t get him started on this time of year, Lent and Easter, when everyone sulks and suffers in his name. In reality, you jerks don’t have the stones to chill in the desert for 40 days while the Devil pulls his usual stunt-queen bullsh*t… but by all means, go on about how giving up the snooze button for Lent is really helping to give you spiritual clarity.

I know what you’re thinking, Nail File Jesus is all-powerful and Divine, wouldn’t his nails just file themselves? Psssh, the Son of God, is not above good grooming practices, matter of fact, Jesus shaves (the crowd groans.) 

Nail file Jesus2

For Barbara (and Jojo too.) 

 


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