The Shopkins Baroness Speaks: It’s Lonely at the Top


A portrait of success and unbridled greed.

A portrait of success and unbridled greed.

I am a warrior Goddess, all that I survey is mine. Hoards of people have submitted to my irresistible charm and hang on my every move. In the many months since I last granted you an audience, my humble little long-con of reselling children’s toys at a premium, has seen many changes.
For the frenemies reading this post wishing that my entire ill-gotten and lucrative empire would crumble, I regret to inform you that I’M F*CKING FABULOUS. Because it’s been months since I invited you to take a peek into my seedy and reviled business of Toy Hustling, I have returned this crisp February day to fill you in on the latest haps with my craps. ENJOY!

It’s Lonely at the Top

I have been selling my daughter’s duplicate Shopkin figures (and then some) for over a year now. I’ve documented the meteoric rise of my accidental business, in a series of posts titled: “The Shopkins Baroness Speaks. over the last year HUNDREDS of dipwads have tried to horn in on my Shop Biz, nitwits all over the country decided if I could make a mint selling Shopkins, then so could they.

Of course, because I have the stock, profit margin, and cunning ruthlessness to deeply slash my prices out of spite, I have driven a majority of them out on their a**es. In the plastic battlefield of secondary Shopkins slinging, I am the victor, anointed in the dried gore and blood of my former competition.
After a long delay, Shopkins Season 4 debuted exactly FIVE days before Christmas. At 4:30am on a cold and soupy morning, I waited in line with my trusted entourage of 6, I had another six folks waiting at the ready should I have needed them. Why so many people to help complete my Season 4 mission? Because those dumb whores at Toys R’ Us Corporate decided to put a limit 2 on everything. SO from 5:00am-5:55am yours truly, Lover fo’ Life, Val, My Moms in law, G$ and his lady took turns buying multiple rounds of Season 4 packs. Sure, we only bought 2 items at a time, but we all had 4 different transactions a piece. Finally, with hundreds and hundreds of dollars in Season 4 Shopkins stock secured, (while managing to leave 90% on the shelves for other parents and Nanas to procure,) I was ready to hit the ho-stroll and make that money, honey.

As I mentioned before, THIS WAS FIVE DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, so my shipping options were practically nil, and Santa for the most part, had already stopped trolling eBay for the perfect gifts to win a child’s shallow approval. I set up my listings and knew no one would read that sh*t or buy a solitary thing until after the glow of Christmas Morning had given way to a sea of wrapping paper, and children cracked out on Scarface-sized mountains of sugar. Somewhere in the early Christmas evening, my business typically goes right back to boffo. Maybe it’s because “Dad got the wrong one!” or perhaps it’s a case of the Christmas drunk-buys, whatever the cause, I began enjoying Season 4 Shopkins success soon after the holiday.

Since then, I’ve continued to ABSOLUTELY CRUSH IT, my business is so busy, I barely have time to drunk watch horrible television, let alone catcall the sailors down at the docks, but I’m not complaining. See, 80% of my sales are RETURN CUSTOMERS. I have a book of toy business that, thanks to my stellar service, (relatively) low prices, and attention to detail, parents and collectors alike are hitting me up for multiple repeat orders. I’ve got more requests, potential busness, and special orders than I know what to do with.


All this cheddar from plastic pimpin’ has made me “fresh meat” for drunk Uncle Sam, that greedy slut is licking his chops now that it’s tax time. Because the government is pretty chill when you are starting a small biz, this is the first year that the Baroness has to file. Currently, the Shop Biz tax bill is just 100 bux shy of 30k, I sincerely hope they throw in a complimentary bottle of Astroglide before they gang-bang my bank account.

Thanks a lot, Obummer.

Thanks a lot, Obummer.

Today, I’m back on the grind. I’m out of several key Shopkins, but the local Targets and Toys R’ Us are getting trucks in today. No doubt my fellow Toy Hustlers: Chipped Tooth, Nebbish, and Chompers, will be there too, we’ll wait for the doors to open whilst we swap war stories from the last time we saw each other (earlier this week.) The same jokes about me “not needing any luck,” will circulate and I’m sure a rogue parent or two will approach TSB for Shopkins advice while I shop. The success train rolls on.

However, there are no guarantees in this kitten eat kitten world of flipping little girl’s toys, ask one of the MANY fools that I actively drove out of the game. Regardless of Toy Hustlin’ feast or famine, you can guarantee that I will share every last lurid detail, even the boring ones.

Until later my dearest subjects, STAY PLASTIC!

– The Shopkins Baroness


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