Tales From the Unnecessary Reboot

You know, I had this whole uplifting post all about how we all survived the worst week of the year, complete with some surprising shark news that further leads to my beloved Megalodon still being un-extinct. Sadly, I awoke from a sweet slumber, and as I sleepily scrolled through my feeds while taking my morning constitutional, I learned that stupid Hollywood has gone and outdone itself in the dumb-dumb department.

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Several hours ago it was announced that TNT, the stalwart of Tyler Perry reruns and King of Queens marathons, is bringing back the CLASSIC 1990’s HBO series, Tales From the Crypt.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize how much I love that show. Every Friday, I’d watch my beloved Crypt Keeper introduce a new episode of tongue in cheek and star-studded (albeit, R-rated) anthology. Of course, the series is based on a library of mid-century horror comics, (that I also happen to own.)

As previously documented, I’m a hard-core nostalgia junky, so you’d think this whole Tales reboot would be WONDERFUL NEWS for yours truly. Sadly, it’s not. While I would love to see a modern-day interpretation with updated special effects, TNT also announced who will be directing the first episode and running the whole series, brace yourselves…

It’s M. Night Shymalyan.

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Yes, the film wonder-boy of 1999 has crawled out of relative obscurity to ruin everything we once loved about Tales From the Crypt. For those of y’all lucky enough to NOT know who M. Night Shymalamadingdong is, he’s a director who has done tons of films, yet only two are considered watchable. Most famous for his breakout with a twist at the end, The Sixth Sense, he followed the okay debut with his best film, Unbreakable, in 2000. Since then, homegurl has been churning out pure turds for the last 16 years.

What sh*t show awaits us with Tales From the Crypt 2.0? No doubt Bryce-Dallas Howard/Mel Gibson/Joaquin Phoenix/Bruce Willis and other under-acting lumps from his repertoire will guest star. Ugh, I cannot believe my beloved series has been given to the inept and incapable hands of this yahoo.

The ONLY way I’ll watch it is if the GREAT AND SUPREMELY TALENTED, John Kassir, AKA the voice of the Cryptkeeper, is brought back. But don’t hold your breath, M. Night works all day to make sure everything he touches turns to “eh, who cares.”

That’s right, Mr. ShymaLAME, YOU CAN’T PERFECT PERFECTION! Did I mention that the 1972 Tales From the Crypt movie starred a young Mama Joan AKA JOAN COLLINS, THE PATRON SAINT OF GROUCHYMUFFIN!?!?!?

Bow Down, you insolent fools!

Bow Down, you insolent fools!

Clearly this franchise needs no involvement with the man who in The Happening made us look at a constipated Marky Mark Wahlberg for a solid 2 hours.

The TWIST is, homeboy needs to eat more fiber.

The TWIST is he needs to eat more fiber.


Well boils and ghouls, since it IS Friday, an escape from the hum-drum awaits you in mere hours, so let’s turn those frowns upside down!

Here’s a CLASSIC Tales From the Crypt episode, “Top Billing” staring a glittering who’s-who:

JOHN ASTIN (Gomez motherf*cking Addams)

Jon Lovitz, Comedy Treasure

Bruce Boxleitner, king of the Television Movie of the Week, and an early Lifetime movie heart-throb.

Sandra Bernhard, gap-toothed fashionista and woman about town


LOUISE FLETCHER (AKA Nurse Ratched from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest!)







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