Old Timey Tinder: Completely Suitable For Work

As often people do, I have a hoarded up treasure-trove of great memories from holiday season 2015. One of my favorites, I’m not really at liberty to discuss, but I’ll give you nosey tramps a vague idea. Let’s just say that my Dad, AKA the steely unimpressed man who also happens to be Nic Cage’s #1 fan, shocked the world over the break when he shared that he has an official lady friend. I’m proud of my Dad for getting out there and embracing a second act to his life after abruptly losing our Mom 1.5 years ago. Thankfully, he never reads this sh*t. Therefore, he can’t eye-roll and “I’m fine” me to a more comfortable topic.

Of course, for those of you keeping score, my Dad, king of the knee socks and cheek-peekin’ coach shorts of the early 1980s (though to be fair, these days he rocks a much more dapper pair of cargo shorts and has upgraded to various witty t-shirts.) Any cheekpeekers, the old Man, the VERY MAN who insisted I go see Nic Cage’s wise cracking tour-de-force performance in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice AT THE THEATRE, he’s got a someone special, and (some of) you don’t. What’s the story here? Everyone’s got game, all you have to do is tap into your inner confidence and grab life by the Times Square.

It's not a New Year until Ryan Seacrest drops his glittery disco ball

It’s not a New Year until Ryan Seacrest drops his glittery disco ball

Don’t have any confidence? FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT, BABY!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing as I’ve been with L4L for 14 years now,  I’m clueless when it comes to internet/app-based dating and companionship. That being said, I’ve decided to learn what I need to for instructing and auditing purposes. See, there’s a very important hooker in my stable of loved ones, who needs a loving push into the unknown world of tech-based whathaveyou. To be honest, I’ve been tempted to create the dang profile and pretend to be that person. However, if hilarious romantic comedies have taught me anything it’s, don’t meddle with loved ones interneting or cellular telephone dalliances. I’ve watched plenty of you go girl Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton movies to know that honesty and transparency is key.

But enough about the go-go world of changing people’s lives for the better by forcing them to do what you’ve literally been suggesting to them for OVER A DECADE. Enough about the cyber-sexy dating world of today, let’s check out the calling card of our trampy kind.

Let us return to a more sepia-toned time, when the ink-stained nimble fingers of working children and thick cardstock made the magic happen. Say Hello to OLD TIMEY TINDER!!!!!!

Why you rascal, I do declare!

Why you rascal, I do declare!

Think of these cards, which became the height of fashion during the Victorian era and even stuck around to high-five the Gilded age, as the ultimate thumbs up on a Matchplentyofeharmony profile coupled with a Facebook share of a rose emoji. Calling cards were the preferred pick-up tool of gentlemen, rakes, and scoundrels on the ho-stroll for a wife, lady, or goodtime-gal. The good news is, sh*t is much easier and way less tedious these days, right??(LOLj/k)

OK, On with the calling-card buffet of eligible (yet, long-dead) handsome fellows.

First up, is a man appealing to those timeless virtues that define women: Greed and Butt-ins!

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Ladies get your golden shovels ready, he’s a “millionaire’s only son.”

 

Use of french pretty much meant DTF.

Back then, use of french pretty much meant DTF.

 

Guns, a great way to illicit a first date!

Guns, a great way to elicit a first date!

 

 

Ladies love cock pics right up front.

Always Remember: Ladies love cock pics right up front.

 

 

Hint Hint, he's going to give your bustle a headrow.

Hint, the lamp is his penis.

 

 

Clever with plenty of room to  write-in "P"

Cute with plenty of room to write-in “P”

 

No one can resist a rogue, especially one of the kissing variety!

Even I can’t resist a Kissing Rogue. FYI: Squeezemburg is but a kitten’s whisker away from pleezemburg.

 

 

Timely and barrier-breaking! THIS is how you win hearts!

Timely and barrier-breaking! Take a note Terrorist Drama Queens: THIS is how you win hearts!

 

Whoa there bro, using LOVE off the bat comes off as creepsville, yo.

Strike one: Using “Love” right off the bat. Strike 2&3: the potato-faced goon eye-f*cking the poor woman in the drawing on the right.

And finally, as if those clairvoyant mystics of the Edwardian era saw the humiliating honesty of the Tinder/Grindr/Meatwhistle/Catfancy apps. How do you get a lady who clearly is better than you deserve? Why, you insult her and prey on fears of loneliness. You really can’t make this sh*t up.

Here’s the card of some goat-faced creepo who was down with old chix.

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Gee, thanks?

 

I’ve got to hand it to these long-dead rapscallions, they really knew how to make a lady catch the vapors! Just goes to show you even during olden-times people knew how to make sh*t awkward and slutty. Victorians and those rich b*tches on Down-Town Abbey, JUST LIKE US!

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Comments

Old Timey Tinder: Completely Suitable For Work — 2 Comments

  1. That last goaty lookin guy is either Death personified or Satan. Just draw him some horn and a tail. That may be an assassin’s favorite tool.

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