Y’all are gonna have to give me a moment here, one of my LIFELONG idols passed this mortal realm and has been mailed interstellar priority to Heaven. Lillian Vernon, catalog royalty, and purveyor of the absurd, passed away yesterday, she was
$87.99, 88 years old.
Most of you wet behind the ears sluts have no f*cking clue who this beautiful genius is, but to those of us with thrifty Nanas and Grannies alike, we know exactly who Lillian motherf*cking Vernon is, she’s perfection. If you’ve ever received a personalized towel, tote bag, or sassy girl days of the week underwear, most likely you can trace it’s origins back to Ms. Vernon’s empire.
FACT: The Lillian Vernon Catalog is a place where one can find everything: from personalized snuggies, to liverspot removal cream, and even the world-famous Billy Big Mouth Billy Bass. Yes, all of these wonders of humanity’s can-do ingenuity have been for sale at a reasonable price with moderate shipping charges since before your Mom was a good-time girl all hopped-up on soda pop.
Head B*tch in Charge, Ms. Lilian Vernon, fled the Nazi’s and sought refuge in America, in 1951 she began a retail business that grew into a 300 million-dollar empire. I became acquainted with Ms. Vernon in the eighties, while thumbing through catalogs in my Nana’s bathroom. In her glossy spreads, low-priced glamour paired seamlessly with strangely specific serving dishes and singing toilet paper roll covers.
In honor of this beautiful creature peacing out of humanity forever, I’ve decided to take a few WTF items from her legendary lot, and share them with you. While you can’t hi-five Lil, you CAN still buy crap from her catalog AND website.
Blown-Glass Fake Candy
Nothing says, “HAPPY HOLIDAYS, I want your children to bleed internally,” like putting out a candy dish filled with GLASS fake candy! I really wish I’d been there at the meeting where Satan Claus and his Helves cooked this sharded sh*t up. “See Satan Claus, kids love candy, the holidays are chock full of it and other delights, I say we put these where real candy is supposed to go, and wait for the ha-has to slash right through their tender mouths!”
Donut/Cookie Holder Coffee Cup
How many of you wish you had a FREE HAND while drinking coffee and eating donuts? Well, look no further, this mug has a mouth to hold your donut while you sip away, and do horrible things with your other hand. Bonus creep points if you eat the donut out of your mug’s mouth in front of a coworker.
Tree Easter Bunny Decoration
Wanna scare the crap out of your pothead cousin? Slap this baby on a tree in your yard and invite him over! For that extra terrifying touch, get a loved one to hide behind said tree and have them quote lines from Rambo: First Blood.
Creeper Bunny Statue
Speaking of creepy bunny accoutrements, here’s a lurking ceramic bunny. Clearly, he likes to watch. I’m not sure why he’s eye-f*cking us, but something tells me you should avoid putting this in your bathroom.
Socks With Sandals Printed On Them
Sock sandles, forever marrying your Dad’s favorite fashion duo. NOW the old man can wear socks & sandals WITH his sandals. Give these to every person in your life who you’d like to never know the warm caress of another’s touch. These socks might as well be teeming with Ebola, because no one is getting near you with this sh*t on.
Ummmmm, so apparently the dead tramp ALSO sold those kick-a** parachutes that made elementary gym class a wonderland of children’s laughter. If you’re like me, I LOVED parachute day, and come to find out my Nana had access to one at no doubt a very reasonable price!? Instead of all the sock wreaths, monogrammed luggage made out of coaching shorts material, and closet organizers with my name embroidered on them, I COULD HAVE HAD A F*CKING PARACHUTE INSTEAD!?!?!?!?
Nana, it’s a good thing you’re playing Bridge with Jesus right now, because I would slap the Wind Song (by Prince Matchabelli) off of you if I could.
The Memorial Cat ornament
In a completely non-ironic, trying to be classy and sane way, this beautiful memorial commemorates your beloved dead cat, who at best, met you with indifference and mild contempt. Look at the picture of this little a**hole, the face is saying, “Never forget how much I wanted to murder you and feast upon your soft parts within moments of your dying.”
Tacky Coffee Mugs
Cheers to some hideous coffee cups, a true staple of Lillian’s catalog. Personally, I can’t think of a better vessel to pour my bourbon with a splash of coffee (merely for coloring) into! The secret drunks are some of Santa’s best gifts during the holidays, and what better mug to chug from while opening another sh*t gift from your Great Aunt Mildred, than the very mug she gave you as a sh*t gift last year.
This last one is perhaps the most important item in the Lillian Vernon Catalog, joy buzzers for your Nana’s nether-regions!
Vibrators for the Elderly Set
Memaws don’t GAF, they order whatever they please whenever. As one ages there are certain needs that still need to be met that involve massaging a specific set of various muscles. I don’t judge the customer who purchases one of these, I do however, question the motives of buying THREE. There’s really no good scenario for needing 3 personal massagers, either some folks are going to have a very uncomfortable present unwrapping under this year’s Christmas tree, or Memaw likes to “multitask,” as I said before, no good can come from ordering 3 personal massagers from Lillian Vernon.
Sleep well, beautiful siren of stuff no one ever needs. Oh Lillian! To think this Christmas, when I torture various gift recipients on my list (see previous post,) you won’t be there to directly profit from their misery, it breaks my heart. On the bright-side, Christmas in Heaven is about to get a whole lot tackier!
Finally, I’d like to send a special Holiday Greeting out to that last slut standing, Harriet Carter. Slow clap for you Hussy, you maybe weren’t the fanciest in the cheap Nana catalog game, but you’re still here. BOW DOWN TO our new Queen!