10 Horrible Gifts for all the Horrible People in Your Life
Believe it or not, I turn into a real Cribsy Claus around the Holidays. Be it lobbying Lover Fo’ Life to decorate mid-november, or listening to Christmas Music from dawn to dusk, I LOVE THIS TIME OF YEAR!!!! Where I’m normally a Grinchy tramp, from Thanksgiving to New Year’s, I’m teeming with holiday cheer, and can’t help but migrate towards the sunnier side of the street.
But that doesn’t mean YOU have to adopt my Christmas Cheer. See, this world is filled with wretched and terrible people, the very same people who often pop up on your various “gift lists.” While it’s still socially unacceptable to give pure contempt and b*tchslaps as the REAL gifts that they are, these 10 items are 100% legal. So, put down your revenge list and get in the GIVING SPIRIT!!!!
Author’s note: I was going to embed links to all of these awful gifts, but I don’t feel like receiving a buttload of hate-mail/cease and desists from unhappy recipients of these yuletide catastrophes. No, you’re going to have to do the research on your own.
Now, on with the sh*tshow!
10. The Cuchini
This one is what I’d like to call a “crowd pleaser,” in that the crowd of whores you call friends could benefit from receiving this. From your trashy frenemy whose swimsuit region chows down on any piece of fabric caught in its meaty wake, to your holier than thou cousin who insists on wearing Lululemon pants in real life, the Cuccini has them covered. What does this wonder of modern technology do? Steps on cameltoes, of course!
9. Bluetooth Gloves
What do you get when you take a bluetooth douche and beat the will to live out of him? You get this impractical hunk of monkey sh*t. The gloves are a bluetooth headset that you wear on your hand in the form of a (you guessed it, glove!) The owner of these beauties can wirelessly talk on the phone and make everyone around them very uncomfortable, all by simply using their fingers like a phone. I know what you’re thinking, YES these are real, and NO you’re not drunk (shout out to all you overachiever daydrunks who ARE!)
8. Jingle Beards
How do you take the cool out of your hipster co-workers bro-dude beard? Give that snarky know-it-all the gift that keeps on annoying, the jingle beard! Tiny bells alert everyone to the wearers every beard move, thus giving them the attention hipsters so desperately crave. The best part? Every sneeze sounds like the horse part of Sleigh Ride.
speaking of hipsters…
7. Typewriter iPad holder
WARNING: THIS GIFT IS EXTREMELY HAZARDOUS TO YOUR RECIPIENT’S HEALTH! Obviously, it’s very dangerous, because owning one of these greatly increases the chances of everyone around them wanting to beat the crap out of them and turn their entrails into a hand-hewn holiday garland.
6. This custom-made plush of someone’s Grandma (yes, really.)
The Etsy shop that shat out this piece of craftsmansh*t was supposed to replicate someone’s Memaw in plush, all from a photo, right down to her “Get R’ Done” tattoo. Unfortunately, all I see is Hillary Clinton. So, if you want to terrify/ sexually gratify(?) your Tea Party neighbor who gave out Trump ’16 stickers in lieu of candy this past Halloween, plush and dowdy Ms. Clinton will surely do the trick
5. Face/D*ck Towel
Who says you can’t teach a freeloading nasty slob roommate to wash his a** and dry it correctly? With the face/d*ck towel, the mystery of “did I just catch a whiff of nuts?” will be forever removed from your post-shower facial drying experience. Bonus: the towel acts as a helpful how-to template for when you and your someone special are in the mood for the number sixty-nine.
Have a 27-year-old stepbrother who would rather chat with his computer-generated girlfriend Katsuki, than let the warm breath of a human ever caress his neckbeard? This pair of tiny hand underwear will keep his sausages warm while he spills his innermost desires to an algorithm that will never judge the fact that while his hands wear underwear, yet the rest of his chat session attire is all-natural, if you catch my drift.
3. Meat Scented Candles
Nothing sets the mood for a romantic night mouth-hunting musky treasures with your lover, quite like a meat scented candle.
2. Potty o’ Gold Glitter sh*t capsules
Give the gift that says, “yes, my sh*t may stink, but every nugget is a treasure.” The manufacturers (Etsy Shop owners with questionable credentials,) insist the glitter pills are non-toxic and completely safe. So the next time you crap on your enemy’s doorstep, you can do it safely with festive flair and sparkling class.
Speaking of feces, the #1 Horrible Gift for that special terrible person in your life is…
1. THE SQUATTY POTTY!
This unassuming stool hugs your toilet and causes your sh*t to slide right out, by creating a proper eliminating posture. Apparently, simply sitting and sh*tting is doo dooing it wrong, Squatty potty aligns your a** to maximize the efficiency and output of your backyard logging industry.
Fun fact: I own one of these. Last year, I asked that fatso silverback bear, Santa Claus, to bring me one and the dirty Ho Ho Ho obliged. I’m not going to go into mechanics nor mention that it’s a rectum revelation, but I will say this, I have given mine a name, and refuse to dump without it.
Y’all can thank me later for all of these super-terrific ideas, but for now your lazy flapjacks need to get back to hustlin’. See, those Cuccinis and meat scented candles aren’t going to buy themselves, so get those jingle bell rocks off and MAKE THAT MONEY, HONEY!