Listen, there’s a sh*t ton of stuff I need to fill you beauties in on. For starters, my kid is 5 now, she was a hotdog for Halloween and thanks to her “Hotdog Dance,” she garnered a crowd of 30+ people who cheered on: “go hotdog, go hotdog, go hotdog, go, go, go!”
Shopkins business is booming and gearing up for the CHRISTMAS CRUSH! Exciting days are ahead for my seedy little long-con, tis the shopping season that I help Santas ALL OVER THE WORLD. You’ll be hearing from my alter ego, the Shopkins Baroness, soon.
I also survived the largest wedding since that hot slut Diana married the dude with the ears back in the 80’s. BABY BRO IS A MARRIED MAN NOW!!!!!!! That’s right, Dos the wonderful is now officially “Aunt Dos!”While I’m genuinely happy for my brother and his new wife, I’m super glad that yours truly eloped in Las Vegas. Did I mention that L4L and I got married in THE VERY SAME Chapel Ms. Britney Jean Spears exchanged her 48-hour lasting vows back in the early aughts?
But I digress…
Today I’m writing to you as a free woman. Two of my besties and I are pitching it all and hitting the road for a girl’s weekend. We’re stumbling through, er…touring, the”Texas Wine Country.” I put that sh*t in quotes because, this ain’t Napa, sweetcheeks. Mostly, I’m going to be living it up in a luxury cabin, browsing antiques & procuring sassy lady Christmas gifts. For some of y’all Grinchy b*tches, my plans sound like a WASP-y hellscape of Autumnal torture , but f*ckloads of wine will be involved and my girls never disappoint, so it’s going to rule.
While I’m gone, what will become of this blog’s long-suffering, completely loveable, hero? I’m of course speaking about Lover Fo’ Life…
Valiantly, L4L is making Angry Baby clean her room and will also be enduring waaaay too many episodes of “Teen Titans Go,” all weekend, just so I can have one last hurrah before our demanding family Holiday social calendar hits full-swing. Don’t get me wrong, I love this time of year, and I’m the Energizer motherf*cking bunny when it comes to holiday to-do lists, but I’m never going to pass up an opportunity to shirk all responsibilities in the name of a girl’s retreat. What shenanigans and mischief will we engage in while on WINOWEEKEND2015™? Stay Tuned.
So far the WINOWEEKEND2015™ forecast shows nothing but relaxation and inebriation with a 1000% chance that I’ll come home with a case of artisanal mulling spices or some other handicraft I impulse buy the sh*t out of because I’m “on vacation.”
In closing, I’d like to apologize to all of the couples planning a romantic getaway in Fredericksburg this weekend, unfortunately for y’all fancy tramps, wine-drunk makes me happy and giggly as f*ck. But because I’m a braying jackass, my “giggle” is actually a spot-on recreation of Krusty the Clown’s iconic laugh. So enjoy yourselves, lovers, let the jarring guffaws of my heee-haws serenade you in the crisp night air.