Hiya kiddies, it’s meeeee Captain Cribsy your BFF(best FIEND forever!) Hope you’ve all recovered from the 10 pounds of Halloween candy you scarfed down. Be it by stealing from sleeping children, or denying the neighbor kids treats, your ill-gotten booty is no doubt wreaking havoc on your, booty. For those of you mateys who are sailing the seven seas of ceramic, and swabbin the deck brown (if you know what I mean,) you might want to invest in some poo-pouri. What’s Poo-Pouri? As all of us who’ve drunk-watched QVC at 2am on a Tuesday know, it’s a blend of essential oils that you spray in your toilet before you take a dump, and like magic, it keeps the sh*t stank from leaving the bowl.
Yesterday, Poo-Pouri sent me a link to their new commercial, because that’s the classy assy kinda website I run. The commercial is 3 minutes long, but I could only make it to the fake poop Beyoncé part before I dropped everything to share it with you. Please watch the following video, even if you have to watch it on your phone in the Teacher’s lounge. Listen you lazy a-hole, trust me, you NEED TO SEE THIS. There’s so much f*ckery abounding here that, just like a nasty bout of the Hershey squirts, you’ll want to flush all memory of it. After you tap out, scroll down for my take on it.
Rather than go to my usual arsenal of ham-fisted punnery, I am going to take a different approach. I’m not going to make sh*tty puns about poopin’. Nope, today my dear readers, I’d like to focus on the real victims here, the actors.
Imagine you’re young, outgoing and extremely talented in theatre. Maybe you’ve been acting since you were a kid, and your parents supported you all throughout your dream quest. Yes, let’s say your mom worked 7 jobs just so you could go to Julliard and graduate with a degree in 17th Century Playwriting minoring in Jazz Dancing.
After years of hustling, you finally book your first high-profile gig. It’s going to be the GAME-CHANGER, a 3-minute promotion that involves singing, dancing, and acting, a triple threat of opportunity to shine to the world. In no time you’ll have a SAG card and will be buying your dear Mom a Mercedes. ALMOST THERE!!!
You show up to the set, put in your hardest, most earnest, performance ever, you knock the directors out with your star quality, make connections, cash the check, (your biggest in history, BTW,) and wait for your 3 minutes of fame to debut. With THIS high-profile job added to the acting resume, surely Murray Silberson at the Glitz Agency will FINALLY agree to represent you. Yes, it’s all coming your way now, all that hard work and determination has paid off. This is your big movement…er moment.
In honor of the several brave souls who sacrificed their chances of ever getting taken seriously in Hollywood, I thank you for your hilarious service. Oh sure, there’s always a shot that this will become an internet sensation and the cast will book a Cop Rock or Glee reboot, but until then, these professional’s respective careers are in the dumps. Good luck painting this turd gold, proud Julliard Mom, no bones about it, come Holliday season you’ll be bombarded with a bunch of sh*tty jokes from extended relatives who not so secretly hate you, best get out ahead of it and buy a case of that Poo-Pourri sh*t on QVC. GIVE THEM ALL A BOTTLE AND EMBRACE YOUR EMBARASSMENT!