Yesterday it was announced that Playboy Magazine, the catalyst for the entire girly mag industry, is doing away with “fully nude” pictorials. The company claims that the internet has made magazine nudity obsolete. By removing the naked knockouts, Playboy hopes to shed the plastic wrap and porno section quarantine on the magazine stands.
So long, sneak-a-peeks of co-ed cheeks, that sh*t is going to be all articles now. The Terrorists have won.
I think it’s safe to say that the true cause of this no-nudes shift lies in founder (and Playboy’s Editor in Chief) Hugh Hefner’s dusty old pile of trouser taffy. At 89, Mr. Hefner has gorged on a veritable beauty booty buffet, homeboy has done it aaaaaallllll. Sadly, at this stage in his life, Matlock gets this man more worked up than the comely cuties featured in his legendary magazine. What I’m trying to say is, Pepaw would rather offer you a Werther’s to suck on, than try to get any lead out of his pencil.
Let this be a lesson to us all, decades of wealth, fame, and orgiastic social calendars will leave you completely satisfied and uninterested in titillating tilt shots of t*ts.
So without sorta scandalous smutting it up with sexy sluts, what is Playboy going to become? Maxim, FHM, Stuff? We all know how that worked out for the latter (RIP FHM & Stuff.) Let’s not forget to mention that NO ONE BUYS MAGAZINES. Seriously, when was the last time you sat and read a magazine? OK,OK, maybe you cracked a paper spine while being stranded on a plane-ride in the dark ages, roasting your skin pool-side, or sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, but NONE of those scenarios are conducive to busting out a Playboy Magazine. Nudes or clothed, the Playboy brand started main-stream smut and will forever be associated with a**. Removing the good stuff doesn’t make it more acceptable, it merely signals the final days for not only the magazine, but its founder.
Of course, there’s always hope that Hefner will reconsider and decide to keep the boner bait, but that all hinges on science to revive his honey hive. If they can create an Ebola Vaccine, then surely, some bespectacled genius can put the mustard back in Hugh’s Hotdog.
Barring a last minute stay of sexecution, it looks like its the end of Playboy.
We’ll always have our memories, and 60+ years of backside catalogued, not to mention a complete timeline of down-there hair trends.
Alas! Playboy is now never nude… I know a certain Analrapist that will be thrilled that playboy has kicked naked ladies to the curb!
Pour one out for the porno.