Gather ’round kiddies, get out your Bryan Adams CD’s and open up a bag of ketchup flavored chips, I’ve got some wonderful news about a Canadian import many of you out there might fondly remember, CLEARLY CANADIAN!
In the early 1990’s, a sugary, sparkling, fruit flavored confection of effervescent joy hit grocery store shelves and gas station coolers, the sweet concoction was called Clearly Canadian. In a fancy-assed glass bottle festooned with stylized fruit and Times New Roman lettering, Clearly Canadian looked like it was a healthy alternative to the syrupy, jacked-up, drink landscape at the time (Fruitopia, Surge, and Crystal Pepsi, anyone?) In reality, the sh*t was fruit soda pop with the dyes left out for good measure.
I was at summer camp when I first discovered the nectar of the 90’s, I watched my bunk mate peel one out of her cubby and pour it over ice. Because she was a solid gold sister from another mister, homegirl tossed me a bottle, and I was forever hooked. Much to the annoyance of my parents, Clearly Canadian became my go-to beverage of choice. “She only likes it for the bottle,” my Dad dismissed. Somewhere in the heady hormones of targeted teen marketing, I lost my love for Clearly Canadian and moved on to Snapple.
Sadly, it was discontinued in 2009.
After a recent and very successful crowd funding campaign, Clearly Canadian is coming back to the market in August, it will be sold via the internet, but retailers and restaurants are being given the option to buy it as well.
I can’t f*cking wait. Why? Several reasons:
1. I’m an adult now, I can’t wait to see how Clearly tastes with booze.
2. It’s Canadian and reminds me of my OTHER favorite Canadian import, Celine Dion.
3. This is another win for nostalgia-themed cash-grab beverage resurrections, which means: WE’RE ONE STEP CLOSER TO ECTO COOLER!!!
I can’t wait to buy 10 cases each of the Mountain Blackberry and Orchard Peach Clearly Canadian, pop open a cold one and stick my pinky up while I swill it.
I’m not one to tell tales out of school, but there’s a pretty good chance I’ll be guzzling it after practicing my running man when nobody’s home in the full length mirror to Color Me Badd’s “All 4 Love.”
Submitted for approval by the Midnight Society, I say we resurrect another delightful drink. The more refined and sophisticated Sundance sparkling fruit juice, you just know that shiz will go hard with Vodka.