Children’s Books Brought To You By The Letters W, T, and F

Having a kid means your life is forever changed by a little miracle that insists on puking/sh*ting on everything you once held dear.

In the beginning, there was fire.

Deal with it, b*tches!

 

The lack of self-respect and demeaning things you’ll do for your precious is astonishing. After the initial shock of a screaming newborn, you begin to realize what a dick you were to your parents. Take reading aloud for example, it helps develop brains, reading skills, and all that jazz, but more importantly, your sorry ass is going to be re-reading a BUNCH of crappy kid stories for years.

Luckily, there are some straight up questionable books for kiddies out there, weird sh*t that will have you laughing and/or glad you don’t have offspring. Take a look at excerpts from REAL BOOKS that were actually printed!

Let’s start things off with an illustration approved by balloon knots and barking spiders everywhere, don’t see it? Congrats on being pure as the driven snow, you boring jerk.

 

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Next up, Richard Scarry serves up something truly terrifying, a pig butcher that slaughters and sells his own kind. (I had this book, explains alot.) 

 

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Why, even books designed to teach are of suspect. The illustrator was clearly trying to draw comparisons to the human’s bipedal body, and instead he served us a smug horse saddling up to a serious size queen:

 

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The horses’ expression is classic.

 

Nothing to see here, just a bunch of Seamen shooting loads on a fire…

 

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It’s raining, men.

 

 

TRUE STORY: I’ve known a lot of bears like this one…

 

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Are we sure the turtles are sleeping?  

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Caboose turtle is 100% top hat fancy, note the snooty expression.

 

 

This next one is brought to us from Disney, of course it is: 

 

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Color me not surprised.

 

Weirdo kids books are also dispatchers of terrible advice: 

 

 

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I think we all can agree the exact opposite is true.

 

AND HORRIBLE IDEAS. 

 

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You definitely should judge this book by its cover:

 

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Looks like the frog likes to watch too.

 

 

Even you clean folks will have no choice but go filthy with this excerpt: 

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You wish, Mr. Rogers.

 

 

Sometimes all you need is a good title: 

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Hmmm, I’m pretty sure this was written before people did background checks for all youth leaders:

 

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And Finally, my favorite of the group, maybe it’s because, like “Dick, Dick” we’ve all licked a lot. 

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