Class Up Your Day: Here’s Bill Gates, Drinking Poop Water

Bill Gates, my vote for world’s greatest citizen, is doing remarkable things for the developing world. In addition to building wells, providing medicine, and vowing to wipe out certain diseases, Mr. Gates also is looking for the next great idea to change the world.

Recently, Gatesy took a tour of an invention that has the potential to provide both power and water to developing regions in the world who do not have access to sewage treatment and clean water.



Seattle-based engineering firm, Janicki Bioenergy, has created what they call the Omniprocessor, a machine that produces both water and electricity from one simple source the world is never lacking in, SEWAGE! THE OMNIPROCESSOR MAKES solid gold awesome from solid WASTE!

Looks like someone, "went green."

Looks like someone, “went green.”

That’s right, this baby runs on the runs. As for the water, it’s 100% from sewer “sludge.” Hold your jokes people, we’ll get to that in a bit, for now you HAVE TO watch this INCREDIBLE machine do it’s thang. In mere minutes it converts plops into drops (of delicious potable water.) In an ultimate act of trust, St. Billy even taste-tested the stuff. If you’ve ever wanted to watch a billionaire guzzle feces water, today is your lucky day. (Too bad Mark Cuban wasn’t available.) 

Ok, ok. So technically, this game-changing planet-saving marvel isn’t slinging out poop water, but IDGAF, it’s always going to be sewage in my 12-year-old male mind. Besides, the title: “Bill Gates Drinking Purified and Completely Contaminate-Free Water,” doesn’t have the same click-baity ring.

The Omniprocessor is making its debut in Senegal for a pilot program to test its wonders IRL (in real life.) If all goes well, even the most remote of villages will be able to reap the benefits of clean drinking water, a sewage treatment system, and electricity. Though, full disclosure, I think the people of Senegal are going to need a little convincing.


Why not bring the KING OF THE SALE to grease the wheels and make the deals with the Senegalese, RON POPEIL!

Mr. “Set it and forget it,” has got this, Gates. See, thanks to his litany of worthless gadgets and mildly convienent products, RON’S A PRO AT SELLING CRAP!

Why, look at THIS LIST of Ron’s “inventions,” he’s been selling us sh*t for years.

I'm ready, Bill!

I’m ready, Bill!

Since sewage is what makes the Omniprocessor go, the GREAT news is there’s a well-spring of potential water/power supplies, why piles of crap are limitless these days.

Just think of how many gallons of agua we’ll get from:


  • Nickelback albums & “merch” (because you know they call it that)

  • Seth McFarlane

  • Kardashian Anything

  • Guy Fieri

  • Nicholas Sparks novels

  • Bill Cosby’s Legacy

  • Tex-Mex outside of Texas

  • The Black Keys’ Stage Presence


Now that I think of all the potential sources, I’m convinced we’ll NEVER RUN OUT OF CLEAN WATER/ELECTRICITY! Why, Twitter alone is like a dipsh*t Spindletop, with so many dumb dummies saying dumb sh*t, the geyser of usable fuel (human excrement) is limitless.




You know who’s laughing their hairy a**es off this morning? Dogs. Those fools have been drinking out of toilets for ages.

I knew you'd come around.

I knew you’d come around.




Class Up Your Day: Here’s Bill Gates, Drinking Poop Water — 1 Comment

  1. I take offense to this. If Ron Popeil started a cult, I’d grab a robe and a yoga mat and go all-in. After that first rotisserie chicken, I’m a ‘Peil-iever!

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