Well kids, we made it. Somehow we’ve managed to sluggishly pull our hungover haunches across yet another home plate of a year and shame eat stale Christmas candy in the pantry, er, dugout of life. Whatever, you know I’m crap with the sports references.
Today, the first of many Mondays in 2015, is somehow the cruelest. Teachers are drinking spiked coffees (if they know what’s good for them,) and all the creative types (who stopped working the third week in December,) are nearly suicidal due to the threat of impending productivity. Why, even corporate successdragons like Lover Fo’ Life, who hasn’t put a day in at his office since 12/18, are hearing the siren call of the almighty Salt Mines this morning.
What a kick to the pills.
Seeing as 90% of y’all out there are miserable with a capital M today, I’ve decided to help you ease into this new work year. The remaining 10% of the busy sluts who were stuck on their grind even though it was (gasp!) THE HOLIDAYS, are laughing their asses off this morning, and DRINKING IN our collective tears, to you cackling harpies I say: Cheers!
Everyone else, AKA: the tired (who briefly forgot what it was like to wake up at 5:30am,) the poor (from holiday overspending,) and the hungry (man cannot live on sugared stale breakroom coffee alone,) I say: LAUGHING IS BETTER THAN CRYING! Let’s start our Monday just right, by guffawing at others!
Here are 12 people (or objects) ALREADY WINNING 2015 in ha-has:
First up, is the McDonald’s worker who didn’t appreciate waiting on you drunk tramps New Year’s Day:
Followed by the Starbucks barista who DGAF about your name in this new year. PS The customer’s name was Alona:
How about a chuckle at the third wheels:
Specifically, Forever Alone Guy:
Speaking of guys, I have a feeling this fella has it all figured out:
Here’s a stunt queen scale, who went full DIVA (when an error message would have sufficed):
And don’t get me started on the crappy job of this alarm clock:
Here’s my PERSONAL FAVE, Dave the considerate (and single) friend who made y’all some New Year’s Eve snacks:
Yes, there are plenty of folks having a much worse year than you:
But let’s face it, superiority is cold comfort this bitter day in January. Why, the only things that want to work less than you do are your resolutions, HEY-OOOO!
So get out there, and DO AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE TODAY. Look at it this way, we’ve got an entire work year of shirking and nonsense ahead of us, we can be productive tomorrow!
EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!