Hello there, my name is Cribsy. You might recognize me from previous dispatches of foolery and world-class fart jokes on this Hobo Parlor of a website. After taking my sweet-assed time, I’ve decided to start posting again on this time-wasting journey into the absurd.
For the past few months, my ass has been lazy as f*ck when it comes to being creative. I’ve had way more morbid and grim business at hand, like celebrating the hardest round of stupid holidays in my stupid life.
2014 Has really f*cking sucked for my family, In March Dos’ Mom had a near-fatal brain aneurysm, then my Dad was in ICU and hospitalized for the better part of July (I purposely did not report on either scary assed near-tragedy.) Just as Pops made a full recovery and started easing back into his normal routine, he came home and found Mom peaced-out forever. Frankly, I’m sick and tired of getting hit in the face with her unexpected absence. I guess you could say I’ve hit the “angry” phase of my grieving process.
When I last really told you tramps anything about horror-show 2014, my Bubbe, AKA Dad’s Mom, was having brain surgery on a big-assed tumor they found over the Thanksgiving break. Well, because Brain Surgeons are known for being some thorough hookers, they did a biopsy on the presumed benign tumor, and wouldn’t you know it, the Old Gal has stage 3 brain cancer.
If that wasn’t enough, the corn in the turd of 2014, the dog poop cherry on top of the sh*t sundae of this year, was that several of us got the FLURKING FLU JUST IN TIME TO CRAP ALL OVER WHAT LITTLE HOLIDAY SPIRIT WE HAD LEFT. Did I mention everyone had FLU SHOTS!? Better luck predicting next year, CDC…you clueless dicks!
Suffice to say, I’ve been busy living through some not funny or fun sh*t. The good news? I’m finally at a place where I feel like posting again. Truthfully, the family has been in non-stop crisis mode since July. Now, with the joyous noose of this first post-Mom Christmas loosened from my neck, I can look forward to the end of ’14.
Let us all raise our hopes for 2015 to unrealistic, and lofty expectations. As far as I’m concerned 2015 will be F*CKING SPECTACULAR. Power of positive thinking, you sluts!
So here’s to daily laffs, gory details, drunken cat-calls and horny sailors, what I’m trying to say is: I’m BACK, BABIES!
Today, I bring you something from one of my favorite people in the world, life-long friend (Since Pre-K, BABY!) and President of the Timberlake Appreciation Society, Leggs. In addition to sharing a mutual love for Justin Timberlake and luxurious dental floss, Leggs also is a 30 Rock fanatic, she can quote the ENTIRE SERIES!!
Yesterday, she shared a Buzzfeed article with me, and people…it’s LIFE-CHANGING!
Forget Oprah, toss those hideous Successories, and kick Depak in his Chopras, because all you’ll need to tap into your potential and “GET IT GURL” in 2015, are Tracy Jordan Quotes TURNED INTO MOTIVATIONAL POSTERS!
First up, a gentle reminder to SOAR!
Tracy urges us all to not fret about the unknown:
Never forget, my personal motto and all-time favorite :
Just say NAY to negativity!
Good communication is a 2-way street:
There’s sage parenting advice:
Tips on romance:
We should all be so lucky:
Sometimes Tracy’s brilliance transcends logic:
Start living with NO REGRETS!
Why, his wisdom knows no bounds, he’s even got AMERICA pegged:
So greet the new day with a smile, and embrace the simple pleasures:
Don’t ever change, you are perfect as is:
AND LET’S BLOW THE ROOF OFF OF 2015!
Tracy Jordan is my Oprah!