Five Worst Christmas Songs Ever
If you want to ruin a relationship, debating the aesthetic and artistic integrity of holiday music is the express route to loneliness.
For most, our opinions about or favorite or least favorite Christmas music is intertwined in our DNA. It’s blind, caustic and typically lacking in reason. Thus, the distinct ability to alienate loved ones.
As a public service, I wanted to bear the burden. I came up with the top five worst Christmas songs.
- There are a ton of crappy Christmas songs. Considering most have been written in the last 100 years, it’s really disproportionate to the average number of bad non-Christmas songs in the same century.
For some of my choices I created amalgams for the sake of clarity in creating a list of the five worst Christmas songs of all time.
- I considered only well-known bad Christmas songs. If we really wanted to dig deep and find five terrible songs, we could but that’d be exhausting and boring. “Dominick the Christmas Donkey” is a terrible song but you MIGHT hear it once a Christmas season.
- I did not include Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmas Time” because even at his worst Macca is better than most.
With that said …
Sad Christmas music is not necessarily bad. Embedded into the holiday is cupful of cheer mixed with melancholy. Time passed, memories of yesteryear, hopes for a new start in the new year. Some of the best Christmas songs remind you just how crappy your life is. I draw a line, though, at songs about romantic love and romantic love lost. Wham’s “Last Christmas,” The King’s “Blue Christmas,” The Eagles’ “Please Come Home For Christmas” are not about Christmas. Christmas is just a conduit to feeling lonely, drunk and horny. It’s like my discussions about Die Hard not being a Christmas movie, but an action-adventure set during Christmas. Those songs are not Christmas songs … but rock songs with a Christmas theme.
Children are cute and nothing makes the heart grow quite like the joy of a child singing a Christmas song. But generally it sucks. Consider Gayla Peevey singing “I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” with that over-the-top Shirley Temple “cute baby” voice. Hippopotamus? How dumb. No one wants a hippopotamus for Christmas mostly because they are very dangerous and also because, Gayla, you sound like you need to be slapped. But in a nice way.
The popular version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” was sung by the 13-year-old Jimmy Boyd. Thirteen’s a little old to be going the Santa route, isn’t it Jimmy? The song itself was banned by the Roman Catholic Church in Boston because it mixed kissing with Christmas. The Catholics certainly know how to have fun, don’t they?
This one is out of principle. Imagine “Santa Baby” being recorded in 2014 by Nicki Minaj and the outrage that would ensue about how that’s not the spirit of the season and it represents the erosion of good, solid Christian values of some SLUTMONSTERHUSSY begging Saint Nicholas for cars and boats in exchange for implied sex (“Come and trim my Christmas tree …” OK).
Now, go back in time 60 (SIXTY!) years to 1953 when not-yet-famous Eartha Kitt actually recorded the song. Old people these days would never besmirch the song because THEY DON’T MAKE THING LIKE THEY USED TO INCLUDING CHRISTMAS MUSIC!
“Run Rudolph Run”
Out of all the reindeers you know you are the mastermind/Run, run Rudolph, Randalph ain’t too far behind.
Seriously, that’s a lyric. From the popular Christmas tune “Run Rudolph Run.” Berry later attempts to rhyme “for” with “guitar” (GUITOOR). If the lyrics weren’t bad enough, the actually recording his pretty half-assed. Those drums are pathetic and seem to slow down as the song starts. It’s like he is taking really small amounts of heroin and slowly nodding off. And who is “Randolph?”
Anything By The Mannheim Steamroller
Or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra. Do you look around at people that are richer than you and you don’t know why? Chip Davis is that guy. He’s the brains behind Mannheim Steamroller, a musical outfit out of Omaha, Nebraska that’s had eight of their Christmas albums go at least platinum. Their first two Christmas records went six (6!) times platinum.
No doubt Davis is exponentially more talented at music than you or I, but that doesn’t mean that it’s good. That electronic-orchestra crap sucks. It’s the DisneyWorld Light Parade music on steroids. Is it supposed to pump us up for the holidays? Mannheim Steamroller and the Trans-Siberians are basically pooping on the Christ Child while making billions of dollars with Christmas music with no singing. That business degree looks pretty dumb, doesn’t it?
Now that you’re pretty mad because I insulted your Mannheim Steamroller box set or this ideal that Chuck Berry is untouchable because he’s a ROCK GOD, I encourage you to remember during this glorious season to think about the Christmas songs you hate and hold it in your cold, dark heart.
From our house to yours, have a very merry Christmas!
Note From Cribsy: Obviously Mad Dad has never heard CHRISTMAS SHOES! WORST. SONG. EVER.