Ah October! This is the time of year that I just love, as a creepy creeping creep, I can’t get enough of the HALLOWEEN SPIRIT! My house is chock full o’ horrifying decor and we’ve had a constant loop of Halloween music and TV specials entertaining us throughout. Angry Baby decided months ago that she was going to be a bumble bee this year. While she’s only going to be four this time around, as a parent, I can’t help but cringe at the trashy costumes that will inevitably be marketed towards her as she gets older. Somewhere in the last few decades, Halloween became merely an excuse for strumpets like you and I to hit the ho-stroll. I blame the French Maid craze of the early 1980’s, from then on, it’s been an all- Hallows Eve hooker buffet.
This morning a dedicated reader sent me a link to an imgur album called, “The Evolution of Women and Halloween.” I invite each of you to sit back and witness little girls innocent Halloween costumes morph into slutstumes.
First up, we have the classic (and innocent) Angel:
Next is the Angel’s nemesis, Devil:
How about something from pop culture…like iconic Minnie Mouse? If there’s one thing that says sexless, it’s a high-pitched rodent who wears the same thing for 80+ years:
Witches quickly turn into b*tches (as in the street term for a working girl):
Here’s a nurse:
Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz:
And finally, the humble bumblebee (the very costume choice AB made this year):
Don’t get me wrong, I’m no slut-shamer, matter of fact, I’ve been a salty ol’ dock whore for ages now. I just don’t know why women are the ones that get to have all the trampy fun, I think the we all would benefit from slutstumes for men! Attention costume makers of the world, lend us your dong thongs and peen slings, it’s high time ladies (and fancy lads) get treated to a ham hock and boy buns Halloween parade!
I’m gonna need Dave Franco, Channing Tatum, a young Burt Reynolds and Paul Giamatti to don these and get into a candy fight ASAP!