The Evolution of Skanky Halloween Costumes

Ah October! This is the time of year that I just love, as a creepy creeping creep, I can’t get enough of the HALLOWEEN SPIRIT! My house is chock full o’ horrifying decor and we’ve had a constant loop of Halloween music and TV specials entertaining us throughout. Angry Baby decided months ago that she was going to be a bumble bee this year. While she’s only going to be four this time around, as a parent, I can’t help but cringe at the trashy costumes that will inevitably be marketed towards her as she gets older. Somewhere in the last few decades, Halloween became merely an excuse for strumpets like you and I to hit the ho-stroll. I blame the French Maid craze of the early 1980’s, from then on, it’s been an all- Hallows Eve hooker buffet.

This morning a dedicated reader sent me a link to an imgur album called, “The Evolution of Women and Halloween.” I invite each of you to sit back and witness little girls innocent Halloween costumes morph into slutstumes.

First up, we have the classic (and innocent) Angel: 

Awwww!

Awwww!

Heavenly!

Heavenly!

Hmmm.

Jesus Saves (on fabric costs, apparently.)

The Devil made her do it.

The Devil made her do it.

Next is the Angel’s nemesis, Devil: 

Too cute to be bad.

Too cute to be bad.

Demure devil.

Demure devil.

Warmer...

Warmer…

Too bad to be cute.

Too bad to be cute.

How about something from pop culture…like iconic Minnie Mouse? If there’s one thing that says sexless, it’s a high-pitched rodent who wears the same thing for 80+ years: 

Disney Adorbz.

Disney Adorbz.

Jazzy and still appropriate.

Jazzy and still appropriate.

Zippity do don't.

Zippity do don’t.

Mickey has no problem finding the mouse hole.

Mickey has no problem finding this mouse hole.

Witches quickly turn into b*tches (as in the street term for a working girl):

Little speller.

Little speller.

Sweeping up the cute.

Sweeping up the cute.

Witchy Woman.

Witchy Woman.

Double bubble toil and tittays.

Double bubble toil and tittays.

Here’s a nurse: 

Precious to the rescue!

Precious to the rescue!

Florence Nightingale, eat your heart out!

Florence Nightingale, eat your heart out!

Hellooooo Nurse!

The cape saved this one.

Instead of curing you, this nurse will likely infect you with something.

Instead of curing you, she’ll likely infect you with something.

Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz

Toto-totes adorbz.

Toto-totes adorbz.

MGM would be proud.

MGM would be proud.

Follow the yellow brick disappearing hemline.

Follow the yellow brick disappearing hemline.

There's no skank like ho.

There’s no skank like ho.

 

And finally, the humble bumblebee (the very costume choice AB made this year): 

Love buzz.

Love buzz.

Bee-utiful.

Bee-utiful.

Stings her parents to see her wearing this.

Stings her parents to see her wearing this.

I can practically see her "honey hive."

I can practically see her “honey hive.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m no slut-shamer, matter of fact, I’ve been a salty ol’ dock whore for ages now. I just don’t know why women are the ones that get to have all the trampy fun, I think the we all would benefit from slutstumes for men! Attention costume makers of the world, lend us your dong thongs and peen slings, it’s high time ladies (and fancy lads) get treated to a ham hock and boy buns Halloween parade!

O Mickey youre so fine!

O Mickey you’re so fine!

Oh my HEAVENS!

LAWD HAVE MERCY!

Need an injection, STAT!

HELLLOOOOO NURSE! We Need an injection, STAT!

I need this outfit and facial expression) in my life, always!

Totally want this outfit (and facial expression) in my life, always!

I’m gonna need Dave Franco, Channing Tatum, a young Burt Reynolds and Paul Giamatti to don these and get into a candy fight ASAP!

LET'S DO THIS!

LET’S DO THIS!


Comments

The Evolution of Skanky Halloween Costumes — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: Stories I’m too Lazy to Write About [10-7-14] | The Twist Gossip

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *