Greetings, dearest readers. When we last met, I was on my way to my mother’s funeral, poised to deliver the Eulogy. Today, I come to you as a newly-minted, fully realized adult. My family and I survived the day, and while I’m still not ready to go into detail, I will say this: I finally feel like a grown-up. Back before I had Angry Baby, I thought becoming a parent meant being a responsible adult, boy was I wrong. Come to find out, parenthood is littered with fun, laughter, silliness, and a surprisingly small amount of adulty stuff. Burying (or cremating in Mom’s case,) a parent is a joyless process that has left me feeling instantly aged by a decade.
Luckily, those sugar shillers at the Coca-Cola company have decided to resurrect a relic from my youth just in time to cloak me in comforting nostalgia. Coke announced yesterday that they are bringing back their late 90’s marvel, SURGE SODA!
For those of you who are too young (or too discriminating with your tastebuds) to have ever suckled from the caffeinated teat that is SURGE, allow me to break down the experience for you.
Take several handfuls of Smarties candies, crush them, add toxic green soda water, a metric ton of sugar and caffeine, then mix the unholy amalgamation together and you’ll end up with a pretty good idea of what the long-defunct beverage tastes like. Coca-Cola first introduced Surge in 1996 during those heady days of EXTREME(!) everything. Thanks to rollerblading and grunge guitar, the 1990’s were in need of MULTIPLE jacked up sodas, Surge was Coke’s answer to Mountain Dew, preferred drink of the nineties teen.
Sadly, the nectar of the dawgs was discontinued in 2001.
Yesterday it was announced that due to an internet groundswell of popular demand, Surge is being sold once again. But before you put on a Limp Bizkit CD and get a tribal tattoo in celebration, know that there’s a catch: IT’S ONLY FOR SALE ON AMAZON. Actually, it’s currently sold out, but more are expected to be available very soon. A case of 12 16oz cans, complete with nostalgic labels, goes for 14 bux. If you’ve got Amazon Prime, it’ll ship for free. Don’t? The shipping will be calculated by where you live.
Coke had NO IDEA the demand was this solid and is considering expanding Surge’s release. Because my mother, the QUEEN of finding and swooping the impossible items, was shining down on me last night, I was able to procure a case not only for myself, but also a belated birthday case for my baby bro, whose birthday was September 3rd. The cases are set to arrive by 8pm 9/23. Might as well mark that date in your calendars, because the MOMENT Surge arrives at my house (and I’ve chilled it sufficiently,) I’ll document the experience and share it with you.
Sure, there are those who are less than jazzed, pouring haterade all over our Surge victory…Lover for Life called me on the way to the office this morning, “You bought Surge last night?”
“Yep. I bought a case for me and a case for Baby Bro, 2 cases of the 90’s for $28.00 is a bargain for the ages.” L4L chuckled and said, “You’re insane. Surge tastes like neon catpiss.”
Is there a chance that this magical slurry from our childhood will let you down by tasting like sh*t to matured palates? Perhaps. But regardless of the actual taste of this revived soda, the simple fact is that nostalgia-fever continues to reboot many defunct classics, Surge is merely the beginning.
ECTO COOLER ENTHUSIASTS, GET GRASSROOTING!