So It’s Come To This: Cotton Candy Flavored Grapes

My mother died peacefully in her sleep Monday night. I’m not ready to blog about it, but rest assured that I’ll address it fully when I’m able. Currently, my life is awash in tears, hugs, laughter, and an overwhelming amount of love and support from the solid gold people who I’m lucky enough to have in my life.  That’s all I gots for ya right now.

That being said, here I am, writing a post for the first time in a week. In a few hours, I’ll be meeting at a church to make arrangements for my Mother, and yet…I’m sitting here banging this out. Why? Because I’m not the only one going through a crisis, the very fabric of our existence is on the verge of unraveling, and it’s only fair that I share it with you.


Earlier in the week, a friend of mine posted a photo of a product she purchased at her local grocery store, which also happens to be my store as well. BEHOLD! I give you, COTTON CANDY FLAVORED GRAPES:

You've got to be sh*tting me.

You’ve got to be sh*tting me.


What in the frankenfood Hell is this genetically modified world coming to!? What’s next, pizza flavored Kale? Chocolate brussels sprout bon bons?

For those of you keeping track, Big produce is so desperate to get Americans hooked on the “good stuff,” that they decided to flavor our fruit like candy. Which makes sense because most of our candy is flavored like fruit.

And since I’m ALWAYS thinking about what’s important, consider this: what kind of wine would these grapes make? Cotton candy cabernet sounds equally delicious and horrifying. In the interest of science, someone needs to get on that (I’m looking at you, creators of Mad Dog 20/20.) Heaven knows the Vodka industry has already lost their collective damn minds, it’s only fitting that those sluts Ernest and Julio Gallo would want to horn in on the candy flavored booze craze.

My friends, we might as well stick a fork in humanity and welcome our future robot overlords, we’re one step closer to becoming the slurry guzzling blobs in Pixar’s Wall-E. Candy flavored fruit is pretty much ground zero for our inevitable end times.

That being said, I’ll take a case.


(Thanks, Jen Jen) 




So It’s Come To This: Cotton Candy Flavored Grapes — 3 Comments

  1. What does it say about me that reading the words “Mad Dog 20/20” still makes me dry heave? (don’t answer that)Oh Banana Red, how you tasted on the way back up 😉
    As for the grapes, I say throw those bad boys in tub with a mixture of any kind of alcohol you can get your hands on and call it a healthy party!!

  2. 2012 cotton candi was a great year. There was some extra moisture at the state fair which really come out in the finish. Hints of corndog and funnel cake can be found in the nodes.

  3. Pingback: Yearbook Cat - GrouchyMuffin

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