Gimmie Gimmie, I Need: The 99 Beer Pack

Happy Labor day weekend AKA the death spasm of Summer 2014! These next few days are your last chance to “live it up Summer style,” because that cool slut fall is on her glorious pumpkin-festooned way. Luckily, Austin Beerworks has introduced the PERFECT way to celebrate, say hello to the World’s FIRST and ONLY 99 pack of beer. The Austin-based beer brewers filled the pack with their signature “Peacemaker” beer. It retails for a reasonable $99.

Mother of God.

Mother of God.


Austin Beerworks claims that,

“You can have a Peacemaker pretty much anytime, Since you can drink it anytime, you’re going to want to have more than a few on hand.”


I think we ALL know why this 99 pack was really created: 1. To cater to the binge-drinking hotties with a knack for being fun-machines, and 2. To do away with Beer Run Martyrs.

Pop open a pack (just don't break the seal!)

Pop open a pack (just don’t break the seal!)

Anyone who has ever been to a party/BBQ where fermented hops are being consumed, has witnessed the Beer Run Martyr in action.

Beer Run Martyr is the sober friend that each time is offered an alcoholic beverage declines and says, “SOMEBODY has to stay sober for the beer run!” BRM constantly reminds people that “he’s ready for a Beer Run, just as soon as everyone needs it,” all while his drunk pals laud him like some sort of Party Saint. Inevitably, the booze runs dry, and Beer Run Martyr valiantly steps up to the plate, shining in his one moment of glory. Once he returns, the party essentially hoists him to the sky as cheers for him erupt. BRM, his one duty finally completed, often drinks most of what he purchased and ends up so drunk he punches a hole in the wall and throws up on your cat.

Thanks to the new 99 pack, there’s no need for a beer run, you’ve got all you need in one (or two for my booze chugging all-stars.) If the beer run is made obsolete, by default Beer Run Martyr is forever retired!!!!

FYI: you’ll need a friend or two’s help, the 99 pack clocks in at 7 feet long and weighs 82 pounds, I’m sure there’s a pretty hilarious dick joke in there, but I’m too lazy to labor over it.

Another wasted opportunity.

Another wasted opportunity.

Goodbye Beer Runs! Though quite honestly, this 99 pack will most certainly still give you the “beer runs,” if you know what I mean.




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