Chocolate Toothpaste: Go Home Crest, You’re Drunk

Good oral hygiene.

In addition to being the cornerstone of health and beauty, a bright and shining smile is the quickest way to get a random stranger to buy you a wine spritzer at your favorite singles bar. For decades, Crest brand toothpaste has been the gold standard in tooth cleansers, outselling all others combined. However, now it seems those fools at Crest Inc. have lost their damn minds, as evidenced in the new “Be” line of pastes.

No ma'am.

No ma’am.

The line boasts Vanilla Mint, a flavor they’ve been selling on and off for years (it’s delicious), Lime Spearmint, which is great if you’re rinsing it out with gin or rum, and Mint CHOCOLATE. Yes, you read that correctly, they’re now trying to sell you CHOCOLATE TOOTHPASTE.

USA!USA!USA!What’s next, pizza topped with heart medication? Gravy IVs?

We're #1

We’re #1


Truth be told, Archie McPhee sells  bacon, pickle, and cupcake flavored toothpastes, but they are FOR JOKES!

Taste the decay.

Taste the tooth decay.



This new CHOCOLATE TOOTHPASTE IS FOR REALSIES, straight up “buy it and use 3 times a day” legit.

It’s obvious that Crest has zero f*cks to give. Dentists are the #1 fan of their products, and those tooth-drilling meanies are going to revolt. After all, everyone knows that chocolate is the dentist’s Kryptonite.

Go home Crest flavor designers, you’ve obviously had waaaay too many Jager Bombs and you’re making everyone uncomfortable. No one wants any part of your decadent chocolate dentifrice.

America may be gloriously fat and into disgusting things that are terrible for us, but even we have enough sense to know that scrubbing chocolate into our gums will only end in dentures.

You know what this looks like.

You know what this looks like.





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