Howdy strangers! It’s been a dog’s age since I decided to churn out the ha-has at this ramshackled joke shanty. The truth of the matter is, years of summertime dicking around has left my work ethic at a near zero level in the hotter months. Good news is, with Summer almost over, I’ll soon resume my breakneck pace of generating gaffaws. But enough about me and my lousy productivity, let’s talk about YOU, my dearest readers.
Sam is a fan and has been from the get-go. Last week after years of faithful following, she came to me with a humble request:
“I’d love to see something about Suzanne Somers’ 3-Way Poncho.”
Without having a clue as to what she was referring to, I instantly said, “sure!” Why would I commit to writing a post that I knew nothing about? Simple, it involved Suzanne Somers and a poncho.
For those of you too young to remember her in the sitcom “Three’s Company,” Suzanne Somers is most likely familiar as the Mom from “Step By Step,” a show that was part of ABC’s beloved “TGIF” Friday night programming block. In the late 1980’s Suzanne also became a spokeswoman for the Thighmaster, AKA THE WORLD’S SEXIEST WORKOUT!
In the two decades since Suzanne first introduced us to her firm thighs, she’s been on a treadmill of endless selling: from skin creams, to hormone replacement regimens, Ms. Somers has hocked it all. True Story: this year she was inducted into the Infomercial Hall of Fame. (Yes, The Informercial Hall of Fame exists, and OF COURSE, I follow them yearly.)
The queen of shilling has returned and this time she wants you to have a three-way. A 3-way poncho, that is.
In reality, it looks nothing like a poncho, all it is a f*cking shirt. A shirt you can wear up or down past your shoulders, at best it’s A TWO-WAY. Apparently, the name comes from the fact that you can wear it casually, professionally, and the third way: jazzing this sh*t up and calling it “dressy.” Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.
In addition to fake three-ways, I was promised a poncho, and instead given sassy Aunt blouse. UNFORGIVABLE! The term pancho conjures up cool walks on a crisp Autumn day, sing-a-longs at a beachside bonfire, and beautiful friends drinking warm beverages like cocoa or coffee.
Suzanne’s poncho is FALSE ADVERTISING.
In light of the fact that no part of the 3-Way Poncho’s moniker is truthful, I’ve decided to re-name it the “Shirt of Lies.”
That being said, I’m buying two. See, I’m a sucker for cowl necks, and the forgiving shape will allow for ample expanding during all-you-can-eat wing night down at the Rusty Anchor.
I’d give anything to witness an actual three-way starring Somers, Jack Tripper (wearing his trademark nut-showing short shorts), and Patrick Duffy. Sadly, since John Ritter went to that great Regal Begal in the sky, we’ll just have to settle on a Duffy/Somers/
3-Way Poncho “Shirt of Lies” combo.