You’ll have to forgive me, I’m still half hung over and in a meat coma from yesterday’s “girls night out.” See, I had the brilliant idea to book us a table at my favorite Brazilian Steakhouse and my best gal pals joined me for an evening of fabulous wine, great conversation, and RIDING THE MEAT TRAIN. After the first bottle was emptied, my homegirl Babs, who happens to be a fashion buyer and stylist for Nordstrom, proclaimed that, “Birkenstocks are back in style, ladies.”
Naturally, I thought she was kidding…she most certainly was not.
Detail by excruciating detail, Babs explained all the different varieties of Birkenstocks her high-end company had in stock: White patent leather, metallics, jewel tones, all were available for the starting price of 120 bux. As I slowly came to grips with this unsettling fashion dispatch, a seething rage began to boil inside of me, WHY HAVE ALL THE SH*TTIEST FASHION CHOICES OF THE 1990’s BEEN REVIVED!?
Bodysuits, overalls, rayon, acid wash, and now BIRKENSTOCKS. Fashionistas, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING!? Look kids, I get it. Y’all were all zygotes when Clarissa first explained it all, and have no clue how terrible Birkenstock shoes are. I mean sure, your granola-crusted Auntie who uses vinegar for deodorant, never stopped rocking the ‘Stocks, but the rest of the world rejected them soundly.
Back in 1992, Birkenstocks were quickly swooped up by the trendy trenders who loved to look earth conscious. Yes, the hideous design and bulky price tag of $80 made them hard to love, but somehow they flew off the shelves. Many swore the shoe design was special, and changed their feet for the better, me? I learned the harsh truth about these foot abominations at a very tender age, Birkenstocks hurt like a f*cking sonofabitch.
For starters, while you “break them in,” your feet not only blister from the straps, the very soles of your dogs get rubbed raw too. After you developed enough calluses, Birkenstocks then get on to the real f*ckery at hand: FOOT CRAMPS. The shoes engage leg muscles you never knew you had, and at any moment your arches could fall victim to the cruel spasms of being challenged. Even the most broken-in and beloved Birkenstocks are known to cause foot cramps once the wearer begins walking at a brisk clip for an extended period of time. These babies are truly straight from Satan’s cobbler shop.
Citizens of the world and fashion victims unite. We must take a stand AGAINST these pricey reboots-JUST SAY NO TO BIRKENSTOCKS! (Unless you’re a portly German teacher or a sassy lesbian, in that case, y’all are pretty much required to sport them.)