If they aren’t tempting you with their various fried frankenfood, they most assuredly are creeping you out with their mascot, the red-haired and magnanimous, Ronald McDonald.
In 1964, the great Willard Scott first donned the make-up and became the living embodiment of corporate synergy, Ronald McDonald the clown.
In the decades since, Ronnie has gone on to do hundreds of commercials, emblazoned his likeness upon millions of pieces of merchandise, and even lent his name to the Ronald McDonald House charity. All while wearing the same lame-assed clown suit.
Because millennials have expendable cash for hastily slung together hamburgers, McDonald’s decided to kick Ronald’s old look out to the curb, and gave him a new wardrobe.
For starters, THAT BLAZER! What in the Mint Julep sipping front porch Hell is he trying to pull off with that nonsense!? Unless Ron has morphed into a Technicolor version of Will & Grace’s Beverly Leslie, homeboy needs to leave the bow tie and clamdigger combo to certified dandys.
Here’s the back of the new blazer. I’m mesmerized by his hiney. After 50 YEARS of poor diet choices one would expect his backyard to mimic a rusty salvage yard (massive, abandoned, and filled with junk.) Instead, the clown’s got next to nothing. Why,there’s not even room for a sesame seed on those tiny buns!
But wait, there’s MORE! Here’s his less formal new outfit…see y’all!? Ronald McDonald is down with keeping it casual!
Nothing says “straight thuggin’ it,” like a cargo-pants track suit straight from a Gymboree clearance rack’s sweat-covered nightmares.
Not only is Ronald sporting some new sporting attire, he’s also spearheading the company’s social marketing complete with promised upcoming, “selfies.” Because there’s nothing more “human” than socializing over a computer with a complete fabrication of marketing synergy.
The truth? If Ronald were really real, all he’d do on “social media,” is:
1. Instagram photos of meals he’s about to eat.
2. Hate-tweet that fat, fatty, Grimace.
Oh yeah, girlfriend would also endlessly brag about the thousands of families that his Ronald McDonald House Charities have helped over the decades. EVERYONE KNOWS that you can’t do something nice for someone without taking all credit and humblebragging online.
In closing, Mr. McDonald- you aren’t fooling anyone with that wig and metric ton of makeup. Fire your stylist and let it hang out. You’re 50 and fabulous with all the money in the world and a gang of b*tchy old queens as your BFF’s, embrace and own it! No need to assault our eyes with unnecessary youth-pandering updates.