Titanium Screwed

Ever notice how when someone wants to tell you all about their problems, they often first ask “how are you?”

Inevitably, like a dumb dummy, you start spilling the gories regarding the food poisoning you got from a rogue tuna fish sandwich, and right as you’re about to get to the part about your sweaty cramp n cry on the office toilet, you get cut off. Only then do you realize, “how are you,” was merely a rhetorical segue into a 2-hour monologue about the asker’s crumbling life.

We’ve all been there.

It’s in the spirit of those self-absorbed, conversation hijacking, TMI spouting, miserable examples of human beings, that I come to you today and ask, “How was your Monday?”

Did your week start off super swell, or did it suck a pile of rubber dongs? Are you and Darius still on an indefinite hiatus? Did Cheryl in accounting forgive you for the rancid SBD you dropped in the elevator just as she was getting on and you were leaving?

Tell me all about your collective Mondays, y’all. Oh wait…

can it

Sorry, I didn’t really want the deets, I was merely opening up the forum to talk about MY Monday. 

Yesterday I had dental implant surgery.

Basically, they sliced open the very back of my jaw, dug all the way down to the bone and rewarded my good behavior by jackhammering a titanium screw into my jaw-meat. During the two hours of pure bliss(!), I was also treated to the sounds of my bone and gum particles getting suctioned out by Satan’s vacuum cleaner.

Did I mention that my f*cking whore-mouth decided to wake up not once but TWICE during the butchery?

After buckets of blood and about 10 shots to my mouth (getyourmindoutofthegutter), I was stitched up with suture silk roughly the diameter of nylon rope (none of that pansy-assed easy to dissolve comfortable filament for me.)

Then there was last night’s crappy sleep coupled with even crappier pain meds (angel farts would have been more effective), I stand before you a pale and pasty quivering mound of queasy. But hey, it’s Tuesday, AKA Tues-the-Extreme day, the day of the week we devote to living life in the EXTREME!

Word to your mother.

Word to your mother.

Just because I’m rocking a Jay Leno jaw with a splash of Ike Turner bruising, and eating Advil liquigels like they were M&M’s, doesn’t mean you too can’t join me at Down in the Mouth Junction!

You see, if there’s one thing I love more than grossing folks out with the machinations of my throbbing robo-jaw, it’s dragging people down to my level.

While I can’t personally bore a hole into your jaw and shove a screw in for good measure, I can make blood pour from both your eyes AND ears.

Please watch this cringe-inducing music video performed by 3 of the most talented home school enthusiasts (I’m just assuming) the internet has ever known. Mark my swollen, gore-splattered words: “Summertime is Great,” WILL BE THE SONG OF THE SUMMER!

Yeah, that clip made Rebecca Black look like a regular Rachmaninoff. And just incase you’re wondering, it’s going to take a minimum of 12 hours before your brain expels the catchy tune.

Happy Tues-the-Extreme day! Enjoy your EXTREME MISERY!!! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to 2nd base with an icepack and scream at my pharmacist.



(Thanks Austin!)





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