Say Hello To P3 AKA Lunchables for Adults

If you were born post-1975, there’s a pretty good chance that your parents threw a couple of Lunchables your way while you were growing up. In 1988 Oscar Mayer introduced them as a way to sell more bologna (not a joke, that’s truly why they were invented!) Lunchables became an instant hit.

Of course, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out why they were a HUGE success, the pre-packaged meals in a box were fast and easy for busy parents of the go-go 1980’s.

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Sadly, my mother saw through that sh*t and refused to buy the sodium bombs. While all the other kids flaunted their convenient and non-hearty Lunchable offerings at the lunch table, I was left picking the whole-wheat crusts on my crappy PB (no J) sandwich. CHILD ABUSE!

Eventually, thanks to a myriad of afterschool activities and sporting events (all requiring on-the-go substantial snacks), we were able to wear her down, and the old gal caved somewhere in the mid-1990’s.

Fast forward to 2014, that sly fox, Oscar Meyer is at it again. He’s ready to take your money now that you’ve got power over your own lunch and snack choices. I present to you, the P3 pack.

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P3 stands for Portable Protein Pack, and it’s loaded with at least 13 grams of protein per pack. The offerings include one meat, one reduced fat cheese, and a variety of nut. These Lunchables for Grown-Ups, are now available at your local mega-mart and favorite seedy gas station.

Clearly, Oscar Meyer is attempting to brand these as healthy. Just look at those aggressive and sciencey-looking packages. I venture to guess that the target consumer for these babies is Step Brothers’ Derek Huff.

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While it’s not clear yet how the health-crazed, all-organic, GMO truthers, will react to the new product, my guess is P3’s are going to belly flop all the way to the clearance aisle.

Why? Because at a suggested price starting at $2, it’s too much money for a coupla handfuls of things that you could buy exponentially more of in bulk. You’d have to be pretty lazy to fork over so much for so little. And let’s face it, lazy people have plenty of better snacking/pre-packaged meal options.

Fun Fact: The voice actor for the P3 Commercial is none other than Chris Parnell aka 30 Rock’s DR. LEO SPACEMEN!!! So technically, these new Lunchables for Grown-Ups are DOCTOR APPROVED!

It's pronounced, Spa- che- men.

It’s pronounced, Spa- che- men.

 

Me? I’ll pass on this expensive (but cheap) meat and cheese barbell shaped nonsense. Now, if Mayer wants to make a PIZZA Lunchable for adults, I’m there. Matter of fact, I’ll pre-order a case of the bastards sight-unseen right now. GET TO WORK OSCAR!

The Greatest Lunch of all.

The Greatest Lunch of all.

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