The Girl Scout Cookie Finder Phone App (Because, America)


Happy Girl Scout Cookie Season, y’all!

Are you a fan of the overpriced (but for a good cause) confections peddled by little ladies in green vests? If you’re like me, you can’t get enough of those classic cookies, from Thin Mints to Samoas (Caramel deLites) Girl Scout Cookies are the best charitable act EVER. I mean, where else can you count scarfing down a box of cookies as  “helping the children!?”



And now, thanks to the FUTURE, there’s an app for locating Girl Scout Cookies. Say hello to the Girl Scout Cookie finder!



Yes, because listening to a fast and hard sell from tomorrow’s future as you hastily enter a public place, just isn’t good enough, now you can locate your preferred cookie and the nearest Girl Scout Cookie sale location from the comfort of your own phone.

Go ahead and tell your thighs , “I’m sorry,” and get ready to high-five the industrial scale at your local junkyard, because with such easy cookie locating access, you’re about to get super huge.

Me? I’m choosing to celebrate this technological advance for entirely different reasons…allow me to explain:

This past weekend, I was running into my local grocers to buy kitten tears and cocktail napkins, when I was accosted by a mob of adorable little girls peddling Girl Scout Cookies. Ever the first class jerk, I looked down at the pavement, spit out a “no thank you,” and made my way indoors. As I picked up a basket, I made the classic mistake of glancing back at my brushed off victims. Bright smiles, shiny cheeks and cheery dispositions, the girls were ready to shame sell me into a box with their sheer exuberance, that’s when I locked eyes with Girl Scout Dad.

Girl Scout Dad was wearing a teal t-shirt with the local troop number scrawled on it in puff paint. Where the other moms had decided to jazz up their shirts with rhinestones and clever re-styling, GSD was still rocking the Craft Store fold creases in his shirt, and smiling at me. I sympathetically smiled back, that poor sucker. 

I walked through the store and couldn’t help but be haunted by Girl Scout Dad’s back story. Why on earth would he waste the best part of a Saturday trying to guilt the well-heeled impulse buyers of my neighborhood into buying cookies? More importantly, why would he do this in a teal nightmare hand kid-crafted in Wearable Art Hell? As I perused the wine aisle extensively, I imagined an entire life story-arc for GSD, by the time I paid for my booze important groceries, the narrative was complete.

Girl Scout Dad was a barely hanging on widower, flush with the grief of losing his partner in love while desperately trying to support his (now motherless) daughter as she peddled her Girl Scout Cookies. Yes, the other mothers were harshly judging his every move against that of his sainted late wife, but he was there for his little girl, and that’s all that really mattered. The feeble “I’ve had the life beaten out of me” grin was all he could muster in his sea of emotion, loss, and teal-festooned regret. “One foot in front of the other, Lester. Just keep moving on for our little girl’s sake, That’s how we honor Cheryl’s memory best.” 

Once I settled on Lester’s imaginary tragedy, there was nothing left to do but buy a box of Girl Scout Cookies. I requested cash back from the cashier, she handed me a crisp twenty-dollar bill, and I made my way out of the automatic doors. Ready to do right by Cheryl’s legacy and most importantly, excited to help a grieving little girl enjoy her one comfort, Girl Scouts. I walked into the sunny day, and was instantly swarmed by precious future-world changers and leaders of humanity.

“I’ll take a box of Samoas, please. Better yet, throw a box of Thin Mints in as well.” Clearly, Lester’s fabricated story had touched me and I was feeling rather generous.The sweet girls cheered, and their overly tanned “hot moms,” started doing a makeshift “cookie sale cheer,” complete with hand gestures and a hearty, “WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!”

Yours truly felt like Dr. Jonas Salk and Mother Theresa rolled into one. I was ushered to the pay station, and reunited with Girl Scout Cookie Dad, a true mensch and shining beacon of good parenting. With a fresh bill in hand, I happily surrendered my 8 dollars for 2 boxes of cookies. Then came the time to finally hear Lester’s grief-stricken vocal chords for the first time. How would my new hero thank me? Would the tears of gratitude show on his well-worn and sallow face?

“Oh fiddlesticks!  Girl Scout Cookie Dad exclaimed, you’re only buying 2 boxes? Darn it, I’m all out of one dollar bills. I can only give you ten dollars back as change! OR…you could go ahead and buy 3 more boxes, just store them in your freezer. Afterall, it’s only 20 bucks and for a great cause.”

Seeing as I’m a budding supervillain and all-around terrible person, I instantly recognized his ruse. SWEET MARY MOTHER OF THIN MINTS, I WAS BEING GRIFTED!

Dumbfounded by the turn of events, I foolishly blurted out, “OK,” and after 30 seconds of quick cookie deliberations, I became the proud owner of five f*cking boxes of Girl Scout Cookies. I balanced the stack of boxes in one arm and practically ran to my car, but not before Girl Scout Dad began ringing an obnoxious cowbell while his harem of whore-moms started in with a special “up-sale cheer.”

What a sucker. 

So HOORAY! There’s now a phone application for locating Girl Scout Cookie sale locations, YAY PROGRESS. While I will be downloading the free app, it won’t be to locate the charitable treats. No, I will use this technological advancement for my own nefarious reason: to AVOID ALL PLACES SELLING GIRL SCOUT COOKIES. You see, I didn’t get a Gold Medal in being an a*shole, just to be bested by a man wearing teal and puff paint.  

buzz off

Good Day, Sir!



The Girl Scout Cookie Finder Phone App (Because, America) — 1 Comment

  1. Lol I pictured you doing everything in this entire story in front of the local Wal-Mart. Yep.. laughed my ass off too.

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