Mario Kart Speed Skating is the Greatest Sport of ALL

The Winter Olympics are now over, thank freaking goodness.

I don’t think that it’s humanly possible for me to give less f*cks than I do about the stupid winter games. Especially this year when Vladdy Putin, a size queen who insists on living a majority of his life bare-chested, decided to make it all about hating the homosexuals. As if girlfriend is fooling anyone. IMHO, he’s  more dicktaster than dictator.

Hello boys!

Hello boys!

This year, I skipped it all. No laughing at falling ice skaters, marveling at the craters in Shawn White’s complexion, no eye-rolling at “heart warming” story packages, why…I didn’t even make one slalom joke involving me and penises.

OK, I did tune in for mere moments just to check in on Bob Costas’ righteous pink eye infection, his pus-laden creepshow was mesmerEYEzing.

For those of you Winter Olympics fanatics out there, fret not: I waste my time watching a variety of dumb and useless stuff as well, so to each his own and all that jazz.

This past weekend, Michael Shanks, AKA YouTube user Timtimfed, created a Winter Olympics event that I might actually be able to get it up for, MARIO KART SPEED SKATING!


If you’ve ever loved the Mario Kart franchise (who hasn’t!?) you must watch this one minute clip of PURE GOLD!

The video, (for all of you blocked or too lazy to watch it) shows a gang of speed skaters assault each other with bananas, green shells, and even Chain Chomp makes an appearance. Just like in real Mario Kart world, sh*t goes south when someone utilizes the dreaded BLUE TURTLE OF DEATH.

Hands-down, this little YouTube clip is the BEST part of the Winter Games. Matter of fact, let’s skip the whole crap parade next time around and have everyone stay home, drink their weight in their respective country’s “national booze,” and play Mario Kart.

Because, let’s face it:

1. Who cares about a bunch of dipwads rolling around the snow in their unitards?


2. If there’s any country that can win at drinking, sitting around, and playing old nintendo games, its US the UNITED STATES. USA! USA! USA! USA!!!

It's ours for the taking.

Victory is ours for the taking.



Mario Kart Speed Skating is the Greatest Sport of ALL — 3 Comments

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