13 Valentine’s Day Fails That Will Warm Your Shriveled Heart

The internet is a beautiful thing. One minute it’s connecting humanity, sharing ideas from the world over, and the next moment it’s giving us hilarious crotch shots. One thing I really HATE about the internet (other than LOUD and embarrassing porno site pop-ups,) is the amount of fakery that abounds.

See, thanks to fake as f*ck floozies on pinterest, and the humblebragging hookers in your newsfeed, it would appear that EVERYONE BUT YOU has their sh*t together. While you’re barely making it out the door with clothes on this Valentine’s Day, the rest of the world is busy making thoughtful and creative tokens of love. What a load of malarkey.

Because today is VD, and half of you sluts are singing the blues, I’ve decided to trot out an ol’ favorite that’s guaranteed to get you through, enjoy these VALENTINE FAILURES!!!!!!!!!!

Let’s start with chocolate, truffles are a classic VD gift. What better way to show your love than by making them yourself!?

v day 2


How about some classic crafts, straight from the Head B*tch in Charge of all finery, Martha Stewart:



Perhaps a hand-made sculpture of two love birds?





These bacon heart valentines are guaranteed to make your cardiologist smile:


vday 3


These aren’t a “fail” per se, they’re just creepy as Hell…(and a teensy bit hot.)




Putting your gens in these will assure that you keep your virginity in “Gem-Mint Condition.”

elephant shorts



You know what they say, “It’s the drunken thought that counts.”


drunk love


A majority of Valentine FAILS revolve around food. Afterall, the stomach is the quickest way to the fart heart!”

v fail



vday 5




Of course, sometimes the execution can be perfect, and then one wrong letter spoils the whole shooting match. Like below for instance, instead of saying, “Hug Me,” this cookie has turned into a forum for large penis bragging…



You know what? Skip the homemade treats and get to the heart of the matter. Better yet, just make some sexy shorts and  Valentine role play “Country Hottie,” with your lover. Because, let’s face it, THIS IS THE LOOK.



Since y’all were such good sports about all this bush-league valentine’s ballyhoo, I’ve decided to close my post with one incredible, WIN.

It’s a homemade card, that truly expresses my deep and true love for YOU, dearest reader:

back alley

I’m jonesin’ for y’all!


Happy Valentine’s Day to ALL of you, I just want you tramps to know that for the record, I’d hit that (even the uglies.)

Your Val-Pal,


via and via


13 Valentine’s Day Fails That Will Warm Your Shriveled Heart — 1 Comment

  1. Pingback: 25 Terrible (AND HILARIOUS) Tattoo Fails - GrouchyMuffin

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