Post By Lover Fo’ Life: The Biebs!

Sometimes Cribsy needs a break.  Sometimes she’s been stuck in the house for several days with a rabid baboon for a daughter, and just needs a break. Today she’s downing bottles of wine and putting her feet up.  So that means you get a post from me. 

Sure, I’m the mediocre substitute teacher putting a brave face on things with a sad video from the 70’s.  It’s not like I’m really asking you to pay attention, so no b*tching.  Here we go…I’ve spun my rolodex of fun and exciting topics and it’s landed on…..The Biebs.  *sigh*  Ok.  Let’s get this over with.

Gurl Please.

Gurl Please.

So I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t really know too much about Justin Bieber, the L’enfant terrible of the moment.  I know he has a lady golfer haircut, looks like he’s about 15, and has ego and entitlement issues only rivaled by his bank balance.  I also know he’s rabidly defended by a vast army of “Beliebers”.   They could be a radically militant paramilitary group or possibly tween girls, studies are as of yet inconclusive.
Justin has lately made a lot of splashy headlines for aggressively antisocial behavior including drunk driving, drag racing, resisting arrest, and generally making a total butthole of himself.  Even before this latest spate of news, a steady stream of antidotes about his bad boy behavior have captured the collective psyche of the globe.  We’ve all been riding the edge of our seat to see what sick burn might come next!  I mean this is a bad dude, he peed in a bucket and egged something.
I also heard somewhere that his father is the human equivalent of an Ed Hardy shirt.  Not my metaphor…someone else’s.  And isn’t that sad if you let it sink in for a minute?  I guess that’s as good a place as any to start unpacking things. 
The nozzle doesn't fall far from the douche.

The nozzle doesn’t fall far from the douche.

Another pop star that didn’t handle success well once told us that, “…the children are our future.  Teach them well and let them lead the way.”  I think that’s a fine sentiment but it does require you teach them well.  It’s obvious that Justin lacks a steady hand at the tiller.  Let’s face it, if any one of us was rich and famous from such a young age with models and fast cars and no grounding influence, we’d all be punks. 
These kids today...

His biggest crime? Those lip pubes!


Heck…I think a little weed and cough syrup is pretty tame all things considered.  His parents need to be thrown unceremoniously into an active volcano.  Ok…I guess a little ceremony would be alright if it would bring closure for everyone. 
It may be kismet that a petition to deport Lil’ Lord Fauntleroy now has enough signatures to be considered by the President. I think ol’ Barry may know a thing or two about stepping away from a bad habit and tapping into potential. With everyone’s Bieber patience and attention beginning to wane there is no better time for JB to step back and evaluate things.  Can you just imagine the newsgasm if The President summoned Bieber to the White House for some big brother mentoring?  It’s the kind of PR stunt where everyone wins!  An odd couple to be sure, but maybe it’s so crazy it just might work!

The back of my hand would work better.

The back of my hand would work better.

In closing, this part is for Justin.  Hey man, you’ve got mad singing skills and you’re super cute.  But the cute doesn’t last…and once your nuts drop, the voice won’t either. You don’t get to know what comes next; so hire a financial team that can put you on an allowance and let them tell you “no”.  Oh…and quit being a dickbag.  You are too old for it to be ok, and it’s only a matter of time before someone decides enough is enough.  What do you weigh?  Like a buck o five?  Seriously, you need to dial it down.  Enjoy the money, work hard, party, and bang models in private.  It’s a proven strategy for the long haul.

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