Get me a frozen tub of cool whip, 2 cans of aerosol cheese and a gallon of Riunite, STAT! Shut out all sunshine, dismantle any outward displays of happiness, and tell Phyllis to hold my calls, I’m gonna need some time to collect my thoughts.
“Why,” you might ask?
BECAUSE TRUE LOVE DIED LAST NIGHT. Yep, ROMANCE FOREVER CHUCKED THE DEUCE AND PEACED OUT when it was confirmed that CAPTAIN AND TENNILLE, the easy listening music GODS from the 1970’s, are divorcing after 39 years of marriage.
Toni Tennille filed on the Captain, whose real name is (the vastly superior,) DARYL DRAGON, on January 16th, 2014, a day that will forever be known as the day when romance stroked out on the crapper. I’m sure the love murdering, heart knifing, “irreconcilable differences,” are to blame, because that sh*t is always trotted out as the reason EVERY SINGLE TIME.
The couple released their first album in 1975, which is coincidentally when they were married. Captain and Tennille have recorded and toured together ever since, and now they’re legally ending the fairy tale.
Let’s take a moment to watch and drink in the former glory of love’s true splendor. I know, this horrible news is still fresh and the wounds are deep and hemorrhaging, but if there’s one sight that can give us a sad smile in these DARK TIMES, it’s the jazzy performances of Captain and Tennille.
“Do That To Me One More Time”
Guess the new title is: “Do That To Me NO MORE times, Because I Hate You”
And the eerily appropriate cover of, “Shop Around”
(Skip to the :36 mark to watch the most fabulous WTF male dancing, ever.)
This one was a staple for my former lounge/ yacht rock band, Chablis.
“Love Will Keep Us Together”
WHATEVER LIARS! Apparently, it does not.
Today, we all need to take our lovers (or tear-stained pillows) and hold them a little tighter. If these two crazy kids can’t make it work, what hope does the alcohol fueled hookup that you call your current romantic relationship, have? I mean, I don’t want to be a negative Nelly here, but it’s only a matter of time before we’re all in the back lot of a truckstop humpin’ on randos, desperately trying to “snuggle” the pain away.