Google Searching for the Truth

Google search knows everything about you, and can read into your heart’s desires. It never fails, the moment I begin typing a query into the search bar, Google’s intuitive software almost ALWAYS finishes my typing for me.

“Is B…” Is Benedict Cumberbatch married?

“Where can I g…”  Where can I get a decent steak?

“How much m…” How much money is Howard Stern worth? 

Why, trusty ol’ Google Search EVEN completes the more bizarre and outrageous questions. Questions we pretend we’d never ask, and those blamed on “being drunk.”

“Do P…” Do penguins have purple buttholes? 

“How much w…” How much weight can you lose in a week on a straight Vodka diet?

“Is it…” Is it possible to pass out from jacking off?

Yes, Google knows just how truly terrible you and I are, and quite frankly, it doesn’t care. The software is intuitive because it’s been asked the same dang questions OVER AND OVER again. I mean, why else would a search engine immediately be able to tell that I’d like to know “What does L…” What does Larry Bird look like in a thong?

We’re all horribly damaged and disturbing people, at a core level, Google search knows this, accepts it, and continues to be at our service.

I’ve grown so accustomed to the search bar finishing my inquiries for me, that when I have to actually finish typing out a question, I’m shocked. Afterall, typing the full sentence into the toolbar with no helpful suggestions is comparable to being an explorer on an uncharted island amidst a sea of same-wondering sickos. Completing a search term without intuitive assistance is Google essentially saying, “No one else is asking this dumb sh*t, dummy.” 

While it rarely happens, when it does, I take notice. Last night, was one of those rare moments when I stumped Google search, the wonder of the internet. Allow me to explain…

Lover Fo’ Life and I have a variety of on-going jokes and inside haha’s between us. Being together for 12 years, one would naturally assume as much. One of our “things,” is ranting about the singer, Al Stewart.

Now, I know lots of sassy sluts over the age of 60, read this blog, and to you sexually vibrant skanks, I say: “Hello,” and, “there’s a pretty good chance y’all know who Al Stewart is.” Everyone else on the internet? Read on.

Back in the 1970’s, Al Stewart was a hit songwriter, he had two major songs that you’ve probably heard while on the crapper at an office building, or in the dentist’s chair. His songs are known for their narrative style and references to history, but that’s not what is most memorable about his music, you’ve got to hear this guy’s voice. He has the most effeminate singing voice ever. Al Stewart’s voice sounds like every actor’s portrayal of a gay man prior to 1990. Which is to say, it’s ssssssssssuper lispy and emotive.

Anymincingnancys, Al Stewart’s singing voice sounds like Richard Simmons on a date with Rock Hudson at the Ice Capades. Please Listen to a sample of Al Stewart’s Classic Hit, “Time Passages.”

Sssssssssssee what I mean!? Dude sounds like he’s ON FIRE!

L4L and I will always have a chuckle when an Al Stewart song finds us in our day-to-day. It’s rare, but when it happens, we spend several minutes afterwards impersonating Al Stewart in regular life.Taking turns we’ll each come up with various scenarios where we can get the mosssssssst of our Al Ssssstewart impresssssssions.

“Ssssay there pretty lady, want to ssssshare my ssssssssardine ssssssssandwich? ” 


“Offisssssssser, I sssssssssswear I’m sssssssssssssssober!” 

Perhaps you can picture us now, channeling Al’s voice making the other laugh until tears flow, or maybe it’s just one of those things you really need to be there to get. Regardless, the Al Stewart jokessssss never get old between us.

While grocery shopping Saturday morning, another one of Al’s huge hits, “Year of the Cat,” came on while we purchased our wares for the week. Since we were in public, and Angry Baby was in tow, we tried to keep our composure and refrained from going “full Al,” instead we had an intellectual discussion about Mr. Stewart, particularly his proclivities.

“Do you think he’s gay?”

“Bah, who knows? He’s probably knee-deep in whatever he’s into, he had hits in the 70’s prior to mp3, so fool is rich.”  

“I wonder if he likes the pole and the hole?”

Last night, as the two of us were hitting the sack, we remembered the grocery store conversation and realized that while L4L and I were unsure of Al Stewart’s sexuality, one entity WOULD know, the internet. I shot up in bed, To the Google! 

I chuckled and smugly told L4L:

Watch, I’ll bet I type “Is Al..” and google search is going to immediately blurt out: “Is Al Stewart Gay?”

Much to my complete shock, I typed the ENTIRE QUESTION without Google popping up offering a helping hand. Apparently, no one in the world has ever asked Google if AL STEWART IS GAY.

Game, set, match, b*tch!

Check and mate, b*tch!


With his expresssssive voice and brilliant flair for songwriting, no one asked a single question about Al’s sexuality. By being unable to recognize my question, Google spoke volumes.

Shallow and petty? Yes. Appreciative of obscure 1970’s singer songwriters? Abssssssssssolutely!

And just because I know you fools are dying to know: Al Stewart is married to a woman and has 2 kids. 2 children who are probably going to hunt me down and beat my assssssss for talking crap about their dad’s singing voice.

The bright side? Now that I’ve gone ahead and asked the search bar, “Is Al Stewart gay,” there’s a pretty good chance the next time some asks it, Google will be ready.

(For Mace)


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