Get a Load of These Gross Salads

Ah January! It’s the time of the year when most of us decide to detox and return to a healthier, less crap-filled diet, and ramp up the (GASP!) physical activity. Oh sure, 99% of everyone will quit that sh*t in mere weeks, but hey, at least a ton of jolly sluts are looking to get fit today.

You'd better werk!

You’d better werk!

More often than not, when a person is conjuring up healthy recipes, salads are some of the first things to get trotted out (and beaten into the ground.) There’s something about humble leafy greens festooned with oily dressing, that says: “my tastebuds have given up the will to live.” 

A couple of weeks ago, a reader sent this beauty of a photo in, and while it didn’t instantly register why someone would email in a pic of the salad, my eyes zeroed in on an ingredient that had me disgusted…

"Hello my baby..."

“Hello my baby…”

See the dead frog? Well, the lady who was on the receiving end of this “extra protein,” also happened to work for the Wall Street Journal. In the weeks since, the photo has become an internet cringe-sation, and was my nominee for the worst salad in the history of man (and frog.)

That is, until I came across a post all about Awful Vintage Salads, now I’ve got a few more abominations to throw on the salad pile.

Because this drunk-tank of a website is powered by my desire to entertain (and disgust you to the point of near-vomiting) I’ve decided to share the most stomach-churning of the group.

Just so you know, you’re probably going need a trash bag or bucket to dry-heave into…there’s a lot of jello, unflavored gelatin, and mayonnaise involved.

First up, it’s Cucumber and Kidney Bean Salad: 

Beans, cabbage, and dairy? Eat this and you’ll be the mayor of Fart City.

Fill up your gas tank.

Fill up your gas tank.

Gassing yourself to near asphyxia with your duvet cover at 3:00am in the morning not your speed? Then perhaps you can try…

Peach Blossom Salad with (what In the Hell!?) Spice Cream Dressing:

Fun Fact: The “Spice Cream Dressing,” is merely canned peach syrup with heavy cream, salt and lemon juice whisked in. Notice it’s so horrible, they didn’t even include the stuff in the photo of the salad! 

spice cream dressing WTF


Deviled Lettuce:

What do you get when you hollow out iceberg lettuce and fill it with mayonnaise and deviled ham? You get a practical joke in salad form. Just think of all the dieters and vegetarians you could prank with this meat centered “salad.”




The California Waldorf Salad: 

Because nothing says “California,” like taking a New York City creation, beating all the good taste out of it, and encasing it in silicone gelatin.

Gag me with a spoon.

Gag me with a spoon.



Vegetable/ Jello Salad:

Ensure they'll NEVER eat their veggies.

Ensure they’ll NEVER eat their veggies.


All that molding and setting too much work for you? Try the Double A Salad: 

Believe it or not, Bon Appetit published this recipe for apple and avocado sliced on a plate. I’d like to register a complaint, because when I read “Double A,” I had hopes that it was much more filthy than this boring sh*t. With a name like that, they should have at least tossed the salad.

Needs work.

Needs work.


BBQ Cottage Cheese Salad: 

Because who hasn’t craved BARBECUE FLAVORED GELATIN!?

BBQ cottage cheese salad


Speaking of gelatinous red horrible ideas, here’s a true flaming piece of Cranberry crap:

cranberry candle


What have we learned today folks? Salads are not the way.

Keep doing Jazzercise and your calisthenics because exercise is key to building a better you in ’14. But please, for the love of cow-hoofs (gelatin) and miracle-whip, please eat something other than a salad.

Well, Unless it’s a GENUINE Candle Salad.

Suck it down.

Suck it down.

This is absolutely real, here’s a recipe to prove it. Anything wang-shaped is required eating and must be gobbled like the real thing!


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