Greetings, my dearest readers. It’s your old pal the Crib Keeper, and while many of you might have assumed that I’ve completely forgotten you, seeing as it’s been TEN DAYS since I last posted, I assure you that I’m here and have not forsaken y’all.
So, in honor of my grouchymuffin hiatus, I’ve decided to share 10 highlights from the past ten days!
1. Lover Fo’ Life being home.
As a professional purveyor of nonsense, it should come as no shock that I’m able to work and write from home. L4L is not as fortunate. See, he’s a true titan of industry and his office is a long 45 minute commute from our house. The upside? L4L has a boatload of vacation and reserves a healthy chunk for the Holidays. He’s been off since 12/13 and isn’t due back until after the new year. In addition to the laughs, filthy fun, and yukyuks we’ve shared these past few weeks, we’ve also gotten a sh*t-ton of projects done around the house, which brings me to number two.
2. My house has never been this clean.
Two adults rocking it out, swapping kid duty in tandem is the cure to a cluttered mess and piles of to-do lists. When we haven’t been entertaining or attending parties, L4L and I have been in a dirty 3-way with that bald bear Mr. Clean. We’ve donated 10 bags of clothes and 2 contractor bags of toys, purged loads of stuff we don’t need, and scrubbed corners of this casa that I forgot existed.
3. Wild Turkey American Honey
My Baby Bro and his lady, Dos, brought me this beauty to try when they came to stay with us Christmas Eve-Eve. They arrived at 9:00pm and by 11:00pm the brand-new bottle was empty. I’ve since picked up a handle and highly recommend you do the same. It tastes like liquid gold straight from a beautiful sunrise’s teat. Only drawback? After enough of this stuff, like me, you might start singing “American Honey” to the tune of The Guess Who’s “American Woman.” This is not really a drawback if you’re the one singing the parody, but for all who are on the aural receiving end (AKA those not drunk enough) might find it annoying.
4. Four (Million) Christmases
Remember that movie, Four Christmases, where Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon hated each other and the Holidays? Well, as parents of the first grandchild on BOTH SIDES of the family, we pretty much live that sh*t every year (sans the misery.) This year, I attended no less than FOUR, count them, FOUR family Christmas celebrations, 3 of which I hosted. And while I’m glad that so many people wish to gaze and adore my child on Christmas day, it’s a f*ckload of work. FUN and HAPPY yes, but also labor-intensive. But don’t feel badly for me, I hosted an impromptu party 12/26 of debaucherous drunken revelry that ended in a hilarious nonsense casserole, which brings me to #5.
5. The Pop-Up Party of the Year
The ladies killed a handle of Deep Eddy Ruby Red Vodka, the fellas pounded Whiskey, and combined a few bottles of Champagne met their untimely demise. Major secrets were spilled, strange conversations took place, yours truly ended up booze-puking for the first time in 13 years, and one of my guests whipped out his wang and peed in my yard AND a down the street neighbor’s yard. Suffice to say, good times were had by ALL.
6. The Wolf of Wall Street
L4L and I caught a screening of Marty Scorsese’s latest offering, The Wolf of Wall Street. I’m not sure if it was all the coked-up antics, the busty & gratuitous nudity, or seeing Leo Dicaprio’s ham hocks glistening in the sunlight, but I was HOOKED. We went and saw the 3-hour fun-fest TWICE. I’ve got a comprehensive review of the flick coming your way soon!
7. Twinkie Maker
One of the gifts I received this year was a newfangled OFFICIAL Twinkie Maker, complete with original recipes for the Twinkie AND the cream filling. THRILLED to make my own, I followed the Recipes and instructions TO THE LETTER. Unfortunately, the cakes came out like greasy lead weights, and the cream filling pastry bag had a blow out and orgasmed all over L4L’s t-shirt. The bright side? When I google image searched “Twinkie Maker fail,” there were no good results, so I had to upload my VERY OWN Twinkie FAIL PHOTO, that’s right…these oily boat anchors are about to be google image search famous!!
And for those of you say, “But Cribsy…those LOOK JUST LIKE TWINKIES!” Let me share THIS photo, it shows how dense-as James Joyce’s Ulysses, these hay-bales were!
8. The Kitty Coupe
Angry Baby got her Bizzy Bee from Santa Claus, and you know what? She’s not that into him. No bother, she got a car from her Uncle G$. Yes, you read that correctly, my 3-year-old was gifted with a car this year. But not just any car…the HELLO KITTY COUPE.
Since Christmas, my days have been filled with driving lessons, bruised toes and shins (ours, not AB’s) and car accidents. Multiple, stuff-breaking, collisions. But don’t worry, the pure bliss and happiness our lil’ Evil Knievel Jr. gets from joyriding makes it all worth it.
9. Pickled Quail Eggs
My parents put a jar of Pickled Quail eggs in my Baby Bro’s stocking. Invoking my oldest sibling rights, I informed him that I was stealing the quail eggs before he left my house and it really would be easier if he just handed them over. After some negotiations and a trade for a jar of Betty’s homemade dill pickles™, the eggs were mine. Best part? My Mom said she had no clue I loved pickled Quail eggs and brought me my own jar the next day. Needless to say, I’ve been Quail egg rich and was even able to convert my Lil’ sister and her Hubs to the “hillbilly food” loving, pro-quail egg scarfing side.
10. This post, right now.
The last highlight from my 10-day blogging vaycay is this moment right now. See, all vacation I’ve thought about y’all, wondered how your holidaze went, and looked forward to the moment when sh*t calmed down enough to check in with you drunken hookers. That time is now, and you should know that the hot and cold running ha-has are officially flowing once again.
What about YOU, how was YOUR Christmas? Fave gifts? Did you encounter any pouting creeps in the corner, or were YOU that creep? Spill it sweeties, I’m all ears!