Post By Mad Dad: Whatever Happened To Thora Birch?

The Yahoo! homepage gets me every time with those rotating story banners with the clever headlines that more often than not get me to click.

“Man deemed too fat to fly.”

“Rare mammal sighted.”

“Unusual family portrait.”

“Walmart’s holiday news.”

So, the other day, when a headline claims to have the “secret behind Thora Birch’s disappearance from popular culture,” I just had to find out more (after extensive searches, I can no longer find this specific … although most of the details are public through various incarnations).

The Greatest Comic Book Movie of All Time

The Greatest Comic Book Movie of All Time

Birch, of course, was the prolific child actress, whose career gained steam and esteem playing Kevin Spacey’s daughter in the Oscar-trouncing and overhyped American Beauty. She later played the ultra-hip and ultra-angry Enid in Ghost World.  But all of these films pale beneath the shadow of the tour de force that is Hocus Pocus.

Classic.

Classic.

However, since Ghost World I can’t tell you one thing about any project she’s done. Some TV movies. Some feature films. Most look terrible. Since 2010 she’s done two movies.

Lifetime's "The Pregnancy Pact," was unintentionally hilarious.

Lifetime’s “The Pregnancy Pact,” was unintentionally hilarious.

What happened?

Her dad, apparently.

It’s been no real secret that Thora came from the proprietary loins of Carol Connors and Jack Birch, porn actors, who were most famously in Deep Throat.

Here they are in a movie called, "Young, Rich, and Ripe."

Here they are in a movie called, “Young, Rich, and Ripe.”

And it gets even weirder.

Jack became his daughter’s manager and has basically made her unhireable. He got her fired from a Broadway adaptation of Dracula for threatening a fellow actor for rubbing Thora’s back. His antics also got her kicked off the set of a film called Manson Girls.

And it gets even weirder.

In 2009, Thora starred in a film titled Winter of Frozen Dreams, which actually sounds like the worst film of all time. During the filming of a sex scene, Jack basically takes on directing duties getting elbow deep into the intricacies of how his own daughter should look while in the throes of passion.

Dad

I’m not one to judge. I only assume that actors and especially porn actors have a pretty loosey-goosey attitude toward sexuality. Even if it involves their kids. Maybe they see it as art. Maybe they’ve seen enough to make most people’s heads spin. Maybe it’s just a carnal human necessity no different than the ape at the zoo having happy fun time with himself in front of God and everyone. To each his own.

BUT IT GETS EVEN WEIRDER.

Thora’s partner during the love-making scene in Winter of Frozen Dreams? Dean Winters.

Dennis Duffy, Beeper King and Subway Hero

Dennis Duffy, Beeper King and Subway Hero

Yes, not only did Birch have to pull off a tasteful (I’m sure) love scene with her dad gazing over her shoulder, instructing her to arch her back and bend her knees, but she was having to do it with Liz Lemon’s on-again/off-again nimrod pager-salesman boyfriend Dennis Duffy.

Honestly, despite all the details of this sordid affair, the Dennis Duffy inclusion blows my mind the most. Did he call her “dummy?” Did he play Halo under the name “Slut Banger” between shoots?

Mad Dad's obviously never seen the HBO series, "Oz."

Mad Dad’s obviously never seen the HBO series, “Oz.”

 

Through all this, Thora Birch’s dad seems pretty normal.

 

-Mad Dad

 

 


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