National Treasure: Nicolas Cage Peen Pix Have Been Stolen

Nicolas Cage is a world famous actor and an internet punchline. In addition to accepting every paying gig that comes his way, and never meeting a turquoise cow skull he wouldn’t buy, Nic Cage is my father’s absolute favorite actor.

When the rest of the world stopped watching Cage’s direct to video atrocities, ol’ pops decided to double down. The man will not tolerate Nic Cage jokes, nor will he concede that his later career years are essentially a desperate cash-grab fueled by insanity. Nope, my Dad still anticipates Mr. Cage’s every project with excitement and thinks Nic is, “one of the best.”

Bananas

Bananas

That’s why father will be very disappointed to learn that his beloved favorite actor decided to take a load of incriminating, disgusting, eye-melting, sex pictures with his wife, stored said cornea-burning snap-shots in a box that was then stolen and allegedly held hostage by his former handyman.

The ousted employee was arrested and is currently being held on one million dollars bail. When you stop and think about it, jail is a vast improvement from having to tell people that you work for Ghost Rider, AKA the king of Con-Air, Nicolas Cage. The stolen nudie photos are still missing. REPEAT: THE DONG SHOTS ARE STILL AT SMALL LARGE.

But don’t panic dearest darlings, I’m pretty sure my Dad is on the case.

See, he’s such a big Nicolas Cage fan that there’s a 99% chance today’s news will send Dad on a quest to preserve Nic’s honor. If I know my father, he’s going to track those filthy photos of Cage (doing who knows what) down… just so he can burn and destroy all evidence of them. I’m telling you, Dad is most likely going to embark upon a journey that will take him through our nation’s historical landmarks, and possibly lead him to steal the Declaration of Independence (to save it.) We’re probably safe.

Avenge my honor!

Avenge my honor!

B*tch of it is, I just remembered that my Dad wouldn’t be caught dead reading this sh*t-show of a blog, so nevs mind, we’re screwed. The resurfacing of missing Nic Cage sex photos is imminent.

Totes gonna see his wrecking balls.

Totes gonna see his wrecking balls.

 

In closing,  brace yourselves internet, it’s only a matter of time before we’re getting a face full of Mr. Face Off‘s “Bangkok Dangerous.” What I’m trying to say here is, The Rock is bound to surface and we will all be left with Snake Eyes after having a front row seat to his Honeymoon in Vegas, (if you know what I mean.)

 

NIC CAGE WEINER WARNING THREAT LEVEL IS AT BRIGHT RED! PROTECT AND AVERT YOUR EYES FROM THE INEVITABLE C*CK SHOTS THAT MIGHT APPEAR.

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National Treasure: Nicolas Cage Peen Pix Have Been Stolen — 2 Comments

  1. Pingback: Nicolas Cage’s Dirty Photos Stolen by Handyman (LOL) | The Twist

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