2 years ago, the internet was infected with the viral non-sensation of a song, “Friday,” performed by Rebecca Black. Last month, the impresario responsible for Ms. Black, Patrice Wilson, introduced his newest protegé, Alison Gold, with a song called, “Chinese Food.”
Yesterday, the duo released a new video and song, touted as a “prequel,” to the awful and previously mentioned, “Chinese Food,” the new song is called: “ABCDEFG.”
Because Lover Fo’ Life is away on business, and I’m on the single mom stroll, I’ve decided to make the rest of you hot tramps just as miserable as your ol’ pal Cribsy. I’m going to do this by torturing you with a play by-play of the video for this nonsense. So, pour a yourself a tumbler full of the hard stuff (because I can’t) and non-enjoy the WORLD’S MOST OFF-PUTTING MUSIC VIDEO!
:15 mark: Um, who’s the dude sporting the creepy smile and a red sweater? Holy choruses of crap, it’s the man responsible for the songs, “Friday,” “It’s Thanksgiving,” and “Chinese Food!” We’re screwed.
Hey kids, if a Godzilla sized dude motions you to “get in,” to his van by use of a rainbow front door mat, the very last thing you need to do is GET IN THE VAN. I have a feeling this video premise already has pedobear doing a victory dance.
Where’s this van of questionable origin taking our innocent young child? To a club, of course. Club, Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-Ti-La-Do, to be exact. With this random shout out to singing scales,are they trying to show off that she’s taken a music lesson? Girlfriend knows Julie Andrews pretty much cornered the market on “Do-Re-Mi-Fa-So-Ti-La-Do,” right?
Once in “da club,” homegirl finds her crush at the same place, but alas! Tween hormone vapor-lock strikes again! Luckily, Chester the molester has
an old pool testing kit repurposed with masking tape magic potions to dose her with. That’s right, red-sweater puts DRUGS IN HER DRINK, to make her “more courageous.” Only, he accidentally gives her the wrong substance and the club turns into a cautionary episode of “Yo GRABBA GRABBA.”
2:41 mark: Next up, Cupid in coveralls shoots her boy crush in the throat, because kids need to be reminded that shooting people is okay when it’s for LOVE! The crush becomes possessed and his eyes begin to glow red, because YOUNG LOVE, y’all!
3:05 mark: Puppet Cee-Lo(?) doses the punchbowl with more drugs, only he accidentally used the “Chinese Food Potion,” and our singing Amber Alert takes an unexpected turn.
3:15 mark: Boy crush drinks the punch, promptly turns into a plate of Chinese food. Our singing heroine shrugs her shoulders, and begins to devour an egg roll. Thus murdering and ingesting her former crush, and forever scarring a poor puppet who witnesses it.
After watching Patrice Wilson’s catchy, nonsensical love-letter to Jim Henson, Rohypnol and child abduction, I think I speak for all of us when I say: the wrong Patrice died back in November 2011.