Sit The Hell Down, Yankee Candles

There’s something about the Fall that turns me into a candle burning, wax melting, home fragrance pushing pimp. It’s a well-known fact that from September-December, my house smells like a Hallmark shop humped a Garden Ridge Pottery on a bed of potpourri shavings. What I’m trying to say is, I can’t get enough good smellum stuff right now!!!

Scentsy, Lampe Berger, Trapp Candles, you name it, I’ve got them all working the scent-stroll as I type this, if it’s woodsy, spicy, fall-oriented, or festive, chances are I’ve got two. That’s why when I read about Yankee Candle Company’s new Thanksgiving Collection, I had to dive in and see if there was anything worth swooping up. Little did I know the fresh aromatic Hell the bad folks at brand Yankee had in store for me.

Say hello to Yankee’s THANKSGIVING COLLECTION, a noble trio of candle scents: Sweet Potato Pie, Cranberry Sauce, and TURKEY & STUFFING.

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Yep, Turkey and Stuffing is now a savory flavor you can burn at your pleasure.

Here’s Yankee’s Official description:

A mouth-watering holiday tradition . . . plump, butter-basted turkey and savory stuffing filled with celery, carrots, and herbs.

While I haven’t yet put my perfect nose to the atrocity, I DID go to Yankee’s official website and read the reviews, of which there was only ONE. The review was titled, “Complete Tragedy,” here’s what candle enthusiast, “Yankeedoodle,” had to say:

Oh dear lord… What a tragedy this candle is. If your looking to help the troops please skip straight to the other candles in the selection because the smell of this candle is absolutely putrid. By far the most disgusting scent to be captured in a jar.

Just as I suspected, the concept of taking smells from Thanksgiving Dinner and encasing them in wax to set on fire, is just as appealing as my gag reflex indicated.

Yankee Candles, I’m disappointed in you. You’re supposed to be the kindly old Nana of the home fragrance industry. I expect warm apple pies and sun-kissed skies from your company. In an age where Bacon candles exist, and newspaper candles are a real thing, you should be our safe harbor. Instead, you’re punching us in the collective schnoz with this Turkey & Stuffing nonsense.

Of course, now I have to get my nostrils on one. This means one of two possible scenarios: 1. Go to my local Yankee Candle outlet and avoid eye contact with any of the staff, as I’m on a mission of torture, not retail. OR  2.Visit the nearest Cracker Barrel and ralph up a plate of chicken n dumplin’s after smelling Turkey & Dressing at their massive Yankee Candles display.

Either way, the sniff test won’t end well.

Pro Tip: If you really want your place to smell like Thanksgiving, make homemade chicken stock. Put it on simmer for hours and you’ll be jonesin’ for Matt Lauer’s dead-eyed, mirthless, Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade coverage before you know it!

 

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Comments

Sit The Hell Down, Yankee Candles — 5 Comments

  1. SO. MUCH. UPON. WHICH. TO. COMMENT.

    I’ll attempt to go in order.

    1) Yankee Candles, just because you are sold on the same Clearance endcap as Jones Cola post-holiday at Bed Bath and Beyond, does not make you Jones Cola. Nor do you want to be. You cheapen yourself.

    2)If the candle was made by my kindly old Nana it would be called AquaNet & Mothballs (TM) – Coming to Yankee Candle Company just in time for Mother’s Day.

    3)My God, if Yankeedoodle can’t love it, no one can! THERE IS NO HOPE!

    4)Memorial City Mall 2nd floor is totes going to smell like Luby’s Saturday Night Special.
    *Subnote: I think Luby’s already has the Aquanet and Mothball candles – EARLY RELEASE!

    5)I kinda want to go to Cracker Barrel now. Let me know when you’ll be there ralphing. I can definitely plan another day.

      • Concur. Best comment ever.

        I DID buy my brother a YC “Bacon” scented candle (he’s a cop, I’d thought it’d be funny… You know… Cops are pigs, pigs are bacon… Anyway.) Sad to say, it was horrible, and my brother has vowed to pay me back kindly with sucky gag gifts. YC, you’re doing the fad food wrong.

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